Wow......Memories....... 

Wow......Memories.......

*** Sometimes, I wish I could just explain myself fully. But, i'm such a confusing, closed person. There isn't one word in the english dictionary that could completely describe me...I doubt there's a hundred..but, there is one that comes fairly close...I'm Complicated.

I wish I could sit here and write..let my fingers do the telling--pour my heart out for the whole world to see...For the first time in my life, I actually want that. I wish I could spill out my entire life story--sure, the facts would be simple-- but the emotions, feelings, memories..those are what build my heart--those are what keep me alive--those are what I am incapable of putting into words....Honestly, I am not sure as to where I am going with this...Maybe...maybe I just want to explain myself, once and for all. To no longer be "the girl no one knows" "the girl no one will ever understand". Maybe.....I just want to understand myself...put my feelings, thoughts, emotions into order....onto paper....spill them out in ink...so that I have something soid...so that I have proof...

Today is February 3rd, 2004. In the past year, I have changed more than I have in my entire life--mostly emotionally, and mentally. Exactly a year ago, I was a completely closed, lost, lonely, girl who had never opened up her heart to anyone..not even to herself. In the past months: my parents seperated, then divorced, my mom moved to Arizona (and my relationship with her is all but obsolete: ugh, the one word I can't spell), my sister became severely sick and changed completely, my dad remarried, I gained three new sibling, a new family moved in, watched as Lori fought for (and lost) her only daughter, gained new friends, lost one of my best friends, fell in love, lost that love, gained that love, lost that love, gained that love...(..hm...see a pattern?)..went through severe depression, finally broke down the wall I've always built and opened up a tiny bit of myself, gained an even bigger trust phobia, found my truest friends, discovered my love for writing, and....found the one person with the power to make me remember how to smile. There's more, but...I don't really want to add it......Basically, I wrote that to put my thoughts into order......

This coming Sunday is our III month anniversary. :):). I miss him right now..:(..*sniff*...hopefully I'll get to see him tomorrow.

I've also been thinking about the people who make this life worth living.....so, I decided to write out my thoughts/feelings for each...

Dad: you're the one person who's kept me safe and secure since the day I came home from the hospital. We've always gotten along great, and i hope that it stays that way. Out of my entire family, I take after you the most. You seem to know me pretty well, and that makes sense (after all, you ARE my father). No matter how many times I've slammed the door when you made me mad, i could always count on you to knock five min later ready with an apology. I'll always love you.

Beth: You're my one and only blood sister. I know that things aren't the same as they used to be..and..WE aren't the same as we used to be..but, no matter what, I'll always be your Lil Sis, and that's the one thing that will never change. No matter what, I'm here, and I love you.

Adam: Hey lil Ho!! haha, you know I'm just playin'. You're the little brother that I've always wanted, and you're the one person that gets along with me pretty perfectly. No matter how many times I've had to see your white butt, or how many times you've farted in my face, you're still awesome!! *but, I doubt you'll ever beat me in Poker...*

Kelly: !!!! What can I say? You're the reason that I got over my depression. You've helped me so much, without even realizing it. Maybe one day i'll be able to tell you how happy you're made me..you keep the smile on my face and the light in my eyes...and for that I thank you.

Amanda: Hey freaky!!! You're one of my bestest friends. We're so much alike, I think that's why we've always gotten along so great. Our brains just..go together. We seem to understand eachother on a mental level. You've always been there to slap me back to reality, and to make me stupider (yes, Amanda, I know it's not a word) my listening to your jibberish. But, I still love ya!

Adri: Hey!!! I've known you for a few years, but we didn't even get close until this past year. And, it's amazing how close we've gotten in such a short time. We trust eachother alot, and I hope it stays that way. You're one of the only people I know that actually enjoys bouncing weird questions and gossip around. I know that whatever I say to you will never be repeated--thank you!!

Sam: Hey dum dum!! You're one of my favorit little people! I haven't even known you all that long, but I like ya all the same!! We've had a lot of fun, freaky, weird times. I can't even count the hours we've stayed up talking about...well..what else? guys/love/life. Stay the same dork as always! (haha, I'm just jokin'!)

Meg: What up homeslice??? I didn't realize that I wasn't alone in expressing myself through writing. You seem to appreciate and (somewhat) understand my poetry. I've gotten to know you a bunch through you're writing, and I hope the same goes for you. I hope I've helped you at least a tinky bit in life--just remember, love, tears, and smiles are what makes life worth living. I hope we stay friends for a long time to come.

Kyle: Hey psycho. You stupid twit. hehe. We used to talk a lot, about some weird things too (at times). Well, we don't do that anymore, and I regret that. But, I'll always be glad that we became friends. Never lose your humor or the smile on your face.

***Well, I think that just about concludes this lil love fest. I've got t-shirts and posters to make. Amanda, Sam, Adri, and me have a lovely "concert" tomorrow for a bunch of Oompa Loompas. We named ourselves The Bob. (dude, it's friggin awesome). So, yeah. More later.

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Comments

Comment that blog totaly kicks ass.:) you know all to much about what a think about a persons poetry , that it is a part of that person and isnt ment to be touched or ridiculed by anyone.and i know you feel the same. you can learn alot about a person by the way they write and ive always loved yours. i hope you and i stay friends for alife time.

Tue Feb 3, 2004 9:18 pm MST by megan

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