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***
It was beautiful outside. Too bad it got dark before I could really enjoy it. The clouds were grey and swirling, and the way the rain hit the ground was mesmerizing. *looks over previous sentence*. Heh, I guess I'm weird, huh?
I just got done watching Van Helsing. I give it a 15 out of 10. It was kick ass. Definitely my type of movie.
Ugh, the ACT is tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Kyle's home for the wkend. Meg got a new car. She'll be pimpin' in that *grin*.
*closes eyes* right now I'm just listening to the drizzle...
Insomniac
***
Stayed up most of last nite listening to Nirvana...which is why I've got a few of their songs stuck in my head. It's a shame Kurt had to die...
I could have spent a third nite at Kyle's, but I actually wanted to come home. I'm in a huge writing mood and was hoping I could create something. Sam and James are going to stay again---hope you guys have fun :). I got to see daniel, face to face, a few days ago. Though it was only for a few minutes, it was completely worth the ride there and back.
I actually finished my short story (for english, due tuesday) at Kyle's. I didn't think I would even be able to start it. Extremely morbid; which means, of course, that I like it. I might post it on here, depends on how I feel.
Here's some Nirvana for you...
Come
As you are
As you were
As I want you to be
As a friend
As a friend
As a known memory
Take your time
Hurry up
The Choice is your
Dont' be late
Take a rest
As a friend
As a known memory
Now I need to hear that song.
Insomniac
***
...She's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good...so I can see my baby when I leave this world...
Today wasn't too bad of a day--aside from the fact that I was tired. I couldn't get any sleep at Sam's last nite. My mind was reeling---and I needed to write---A poem started to form in my head around 2:30 am, but I told it to go fuck itself so that I could sleep.
I got to learn some info about certain colleges today...and I 'pretended' to be interested in some to get pens and bags to carry my stuff in (muhuhaha). I tried my best to snag a flag thing for Robin from this 'school of flight' place, but the guy practically swatted my hand away. Oh well. The chinese was good--even though Randall harrassed me the entire time i was eating!! lol. Oh well...I'll get him back...muhuahhahahahhahahahhhahahhha...*cough*........sorry, overrun by my evil!!!ahahhahaha....
Ugh, I'm tired. I have homework and I'm trying to decide on something, I need a cappuchino...and......................................I dunno. So, tah tah my fellow lovemuffins. MWAH. LOVES YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
Insomniac
***
"Cross your arms over your chest and just let yourself fall...knowing they'll catch you". The 'test of trust'. I've only been able to do that once and it was with a person I trust beyond even my own expectaations. Now...I don't know if I can even catch myself, of if I want to be caught. Amazing...how much things can change. How angry and stubborn people can become. I can understand why some despise humankind...though I still have yet to feel that emotion. I despise only the actions. Yes, I'm in a blabbering mood. I haven't written in my journal in a while--and I'm enjoying the relief. Last nite I couldn't sleep because I had so much running through my mind--due to lack of writing. I've lost my muse...and I miss it. Life's been pretty good lately. I've felt so...alive. I look forward to my future--the rest of my life. I think I look so foward to it so that I won't be tempted to live in the past. I've been keeping myself busy lately. Not even realizing it. A part of me is missing...and it hurts.
Yes, I've been doing alot of thinking and researching about/for college and such (my homies can vouch for that). I'm starting to get a bit of a plan. Most likely 1st two yrs-Crowder. And then finish at Drury. I've talked Amanda into doing the same (without even meaning to). I've glad Sam wants to go with me...I want her to get away from her mother. She doesn't deserve a reflection of that path. As for my major...most likely journalism or english. I always joke about being one of those poor, starving writers who lives on the side of the road, eating cans of cat food...hm...not a bright future...no...no. With my luck, I'll end up like Poe. Though I wouldn't mind inheriting his skill in writing. I entered a little poetry contest my English teacher told me about. I debated on whether to submit a morbid piece or a prosy piece...I chose the morbid one *grin*. Woha...I just got deja vu...I tend to get that alot...good or bad? I don't know.
Took the ACT practice test and did pretty well on it--I just hope I'm as lucky with the actual test. I started to shake when I took it. I tend to get stressed easily and when I do, I shake...weird. Life has been pretty...ok...though I really do miss my ability to write...but, I guess I lack the emotion right now...the motivation. It's hard to write from numbness---not a good derivative of creativity.
I miss daniel...I'll admit that. This is my journal, the place where I can write whatever the bloody hell I want...well...on second thought, if I post this on my blog...hmm...nevermind, I'll keep some stuff in my head. I just wish I'd at least gotten an explanation from him. I deserve that at the very least.
*sigh* Well, I guess you can't have everything in life...can you? (Then again...I know I can at least have some brownies, because Lori's cooking some as I write this *mischevious grin*) Well...daniel, though you won't read these words, I'm writing them for myself--I hope you're taking care of yourself. I can't help that I still feel protective...
Goodbye my fellow love muffins
Insomniac
this part of me has gone
as I lay beneath the rising sun
so I sing my own lullaby
a slow wimsical song
to lose myelf within this place
as gentle amber wisps
and half hearted sentiments
graffiti my horizon
shoot the apple atop my head
whether strike or blow
blood will be shed
October 4, 2004
Insomniac
***
These past couple of weeks have been...good. I've been so incredibly...happy...I guess that's the word for it. You can ask Sam, Meg, and Amanda... I haven't bounced around like this in a long time...I haven't seen myself smile like this...in forever. Yet, a part of me is still missing...always will be *sigh*...some things are still left unsaid and undone...but...that's out of my power...my control. So, what happens...happens.
Last nite was "entertaining"...ok ok, it was fun as hell *grin*. Ugh...Kelly, never ever ever bring that coconut shit again...that and pizza do NOT mix. But, I'm aighty now. And by the way...Sam and Meg...I'm sorry for any violations on my part...they were unintentional, but still funny as hell, I'm sure. And, Kyle, I will never again salute your grandmother...well...maybe. LOL. Ugh, I'm in such a frickin good mood I think I'm just gonna go......hump something, I dunno (Sammie: as long as it's not me...). Muhuhaha...*where's my monkey??*. We're gonna have to go visit Kyle in his dorm sometime soon he made us promise---I wanna see just how messy it'll be. Oh yeah...I NEVER wanna see another walnut again...well...unless I'm eating it...then it's ok. Ugh wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too many nuts...nuts...nuts...I'll probably have dreams about greasy nuts with wings or something...oh yeah, that reminds me...the truck ride to Kyle's...um...never mind. Sam, if I gave you a bit of a lap dance...I'm sorry. Completely Dillon's fault. Well, off I go. Tah Tah Tah. And you people need to start commenting! (Advertisement: Comment on Sam's blog also) Even if I don't know you or like you comment anyways. I love comments. Muhahaha.
*Big grin*
Loves, Becky
***
I have highs and lows...and right now i'm at a low...one that I can't seem to pull myself out of...i hate it, yet in the same moment...I love it. All in one emotion I've gone completely numb...yet, I'm also feeling it all ten fold. All at once...once and for all...It's like I can just let go...let go of it all open my eyes wide and scream...scream...scream until my throat bleeds...because right now...that's all I want to feel.
Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)
ever have one of those days...where you see everything in black and white? You get rid of the color...the crimson colored truth...
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
I don't know where my heart has gone...it hurts so much that I think it doesn't exist anymore. Not knowing what I'm trying to say...not knowing what I want to feel...need to feel. Need to be by myself...yet scared of what I'll do...think.
I'd fuck you to fuck you over
I'd fuck you until I find someone better
Then fuck you in secret
I'd fuck you because I can't remember if I'd already fucked you before
I'd fuck you out of boredom
I'd fuck you because I can't feel anything anyways
I'd fuck you to make the pain go away
all these thoughts screaming in my head...I cover my ears...but it doesn't go away...doesn't stop swimming in my ears...doesn't stop...never stops...
Fuck you because I loved you
Fuck you for loving it, too
I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do
Fuck you because I loved you
Fuck you for loving it, too
I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do
Hate you the way I do
hate...the one emotion I can't feel...and have no intention of trying to find. I look into my eyes...and don't know what I see...yet, at the same time...I can see it all...I don't want to understand myself anymore...but...did I ever?
(Lying my way from you)
No no turning back now
(I wanna be pushed aside so let me go)
No no turning back now
(Let me take back my life,I?d rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere on my own cuz I can see)
No no turning back now
(The very worst part of you is me)
don't know...don't know...don't want to care...don't want to feel...don't want to know...don't want to be aware...don't want to need you...no not anymore...
Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I'm in disbelief, I didn't know
Somehow I need you to go
where has my heart gone?...and when did it leave? this empty...dead feeling inside of me...dull...treacherous.
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just take myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just take myself back and
Don't stay
wish I wasn't so strong...wish I could just fall apart...fall back...fall into myself...fall fall...with nothing and noone to be at the bottom to catch me...
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like strangling you myself
Sometimes I'm in disbelief, I didn't know
Somehow I need to be alone
wish I wasn't so weak...wish I wasn't here...wish I were more alive...wish I could cry...wish I could scream...wish I could sink into my own melancholy sadness...
hour upon hour...day upon day...and here I go again...
I don?t need you anymore, don?t want to be ignored
I don?t need one more day, of you wasting me away
I don?t need you anymore, I don?t want to be ignored
I don?t need one more day, of you wasting me away
With no apologies
and yet...at the same time...it feels so good...so very good...like I've stopped drowning...stopped dying slowly...because right now...I already feel dead...yet....I also feel alive...so very alive.
Insomniac
"Some people swallow the universe like a pill; they travel on through the world, like smiling images pushed from behind"
"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall--think of it, ALWAYS."
"It is only by expressing all that is inside that purer and purer streams come."
" Forgiveness is primarily for our own sake, so that we no longer carry the burden of resentment. But to forgive does not mean we will allow injustice again"
......
pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.
she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
the killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love. [2x]
pretty girl... pretty girl...
pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out: you can never get him out of your head.
it's the way that he makes you cry.
it's the way that he's in your mind.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love...
***
Today was good---Just got back from terrorizing Walmart with Meg, Adri, and Adam. I jumped on the back of a cart and Meg pushed me around while I made car noises. Hehe...an employee glared at us when I made beeping noises while we backed up into him (oops). Ok...Cale's dad just messaged me...hm...freaky. Anywho...i'm in a pretty good mood---I'm taking James' advice about that...situation...and I'm not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself---actually, that's kind of hard for me to do when I'm surrounded by people who constantly make sure I'm smiling :). So...what happens, happens.
Lalala...ugh, Megan!! I have that stupid song in my head---you know, yours and Kelly's song---I'm so horny I want you to fuck me---ya that one. lol. It's about to drive me insane!!! But, it takes my mind off of the fact that my pictures couldn't be developed---the film was "bad" or something----grrrr....I had alot of pics on there that I wanted to see... oh well.
Tah tah tah tah. I'll post later.
Love you all---and I hope everyone's doing just spiffy.
Insomniac
I don't like the world today...
or maybe it's simply
my own ambiance that I despise
there's so much...
so much hurt that weakens me to my knees
the soft thumping of my heart
is the only assurance I have...
that my heart is still there
the day's have been Hell...
a carousel spinning in slow succession
and when the nite comes...
this Hell does not rest
it's simply Hades in dark eclipse
I stare into my eyes
pale orbs set in morbid doom
wondering just how long I could rust...
where has this life gone?
September 20, 2004
Insomniac
Poetry is my destruction, my obstruction, my suicide.
*****
Just been watching James skate, and hanging with Adri and Adam. Not too much exciting stuff...I dunno what to think about anything right now, so I'm just going to take a break from it using my brain...I need to write tonite...I just wish this would become clear...whoever's lying just needs to admit it. There's no point in hiding the truth...it only hurts....and tears my heart in pieces...
Take Care
Insomniac
***
Yes...here I am again, another blog for the day.
I feel as though I'm about to go insane...or maybe I already am.
I can't take life today...I lack the strength...I lack the will.
I need to curl up on my bed, read my Poe book, and cuddle with my monkeys...I need time to pity myself. I need to let myself cry...
Insomniac
***
BTW: Sam updated her blog; she posted a convo between her and daniel and then a convo between her and Kyle...
Ugh...well, at least that convo between Kyle and Sam was entertaining. Nothing makes sense right now...Sam talked to Daniel last nite...I need to talk to him. If I'm wrong about this...I'm so so sorry. I had reasons to believe...But...if this is the truth...*sigh*...I don't want to think about that. Either way, I have lost a good friend whom I thought I could trust---he could have had at least had the decency to tell me to my face, instead of laughing about it around a camp fire.
At least last nite was good. That's the best camping trip I've had in a long time. It kept my mind busy, which is what I needed. And the stars...they were beautiful. The one thing that doesn't shift and change before my very eyes...
Sam and Meg got me a monkey :). He's adorable, and it really helped me get through the day. Monkeys are the best gifts, I swear *grin*.
*sigh*.... I just need to get this straightened out...There's no reason for anyone to lie...This is one example of why I don't trust easily...
Insomniac
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