Angel of Death 

Angel of Death

***

I'ts 7:37 in the morning. I still have a couple of hours before school. I actually slept the whole nite through--though I didn't have the luxury of dreaming. But, before I fell asleep, I wrote two new poems...which felt good. I posted them on my other blog site, in case anyone gets bored and wants something to read.

***
fuck you because I loved you
fuck you for loving it too
I don't need a reason to hate you
the way that I do...

I'd fuck you out of boredom
I'd fuck you because I can't feel anything anyways
I'd fuck you to make the pain go away...

fuck you because I loved you
fuck you for loving it too
I don't need a reason to hate you
the way that I do...

That's a song by Manson, the only song I like by him.

I hope everyone's doing good. As for me...I'm not sure.

I think I'll post a few more of my past journal entries...as I did in my previous blog...

September 12, 2004

No matter how bad things get, I'll always have people there to grab hold of my hand before I fall...I've finally realized this. I don't understand--wait, I do/can understand why some hate life so much. I just wish they could try to smile...I'm a worrier by nature, but I'm finally learning. I think Meg's helping me on my path to self-acceptance and self-understanding. She's just about the only person I've ever met who I can really talk to. No fakeness. I think she's comes closet to understanding me. I just appreciate that she genuinely tries--which is much more than I can say for most people.

June 9th, 2004

What do I want to do with my life? Honestly...I'm not quite sure. I'm always asked this question, "what do you want to be when you 'grow up'?". And I always answer "I don't know". My path has changed so much...I remember when Amanda and I wanted to be vets...lawyers...interior designers...But, the career I've always kept at heart is that of a writer...

Ugh, the sun's so bright--I'm on the roof of the beach house--but the paper's blinding me. Hold on--ah, there we go. I can't stress enough how drawn I am to the ocean. But, not just the sight--it intrigues all of my senses. The beauty of the waves and the seagulls soaring above, the setting sun, the feel of sand between my toes, and the shock of cold fromm the first touch. The smell of sea spray and we sand, taste of salt on the air--calming repetition of crashing waves...I just love it all.

June 13, 2004

*sigh* great, now that I have pen in hand and paper i front of me, I don't know what to write. Actually..by explaining that, I DID write something...hm..

I know that today may very well be one of the last times that I get to see my great grandmother (alive). It's so sad...seeing how helpless some of those elder people are. Some of them are so lonely because they don't have family to come and visit them. It's scary...thinking that I'll be like that one day. Well, if I live that long.

My grandparents were talking about how they'll have to move to a smaller place sometime. *wow* it's weird looking at pics of them...it's hard to imagine them being young. It makes me wonder what they were like.

I read this one story about a couple who are more like roommates than anything else. They share seperate rooms, dinner tiems, tv's...and everything. How could a couple stand to be so disconnected? I couldn't bare to live like that at all.

July 8th, 2004

My dad actually let me go camping with Kelly, Meg, and Sam las nite. If ully expected a long-drug out "no"..but, wow, he let me

Camping was...well..could have been better. Kelly and I kept getting into these little arguments yesterday and today. They were dumb, but he kept getting annoyed and pissy, though I didn't do anything. But, when he dropped the three of us off at Sam's this morning, I gave up and hugged him (I'm so weak..). I finally signed the fire tower...well, I scratched my msg on with a safety pin from my pants (no today, but the last time I went--July 2, 2004). I wonder if I'll ever get to read it again...

June 8th, 2004

(note from me to Sam)

This is what sucks about sharing a room----Becky

Ya, b/c you can hardly have any privacy. Ugh...I'm so mad right now. I mean, I was going to go to Kyle's and get tipsy, but I'm pretty much screwed on that. I wish that I could be my own boss. That would be totally awesome.---Sam

Ya, no privacy sucks. Hopeflly Maria will be cool. I'm sorry about your mom. But, whenever something like that happens, I try to think that maybe if I had gone, then I would have gotten in trouble or something. I'm not going without you. Awww, Kyle's gonna miss you!----Becky

Ya, maybe she will. I sometimes get so mad at he. Hmm...I never rally think of sutff like that. Aww..I feel special. I'm guessing that Meg's not going to go either. I bet he will, but oh well. It's not my fault. I guess I'll call him tonite and tell him that bad news. Oh yea, how about you check the clothes. About the whole Dan and Dill thing, me and you were inside watching them from Kyle's room. You and I were omn the bed talking. I was hoping to end the war with Dan this saturday. I told him not to to go bed when I'm over there. He was all "oh that was a big threat"---Sam

Haha, now I remember! hehe...that was very strange. They must have been "comparing". ---I miss my babe. I wonder who all is going to be at Kyle's..hm..---Becky

They probably were.... that was funny when daniel like glanced over at us and l like hurried and turned my head. That was funny how he started steaming after him and Kyle were wrestling. Do you remember how my hair looked after being tickled to death? It was like sex hair. I don't know who will be there, but obviously not me. ---Sam

Ok, enough about Dan...srry but, it bugs me to hear his name--too many memories. But..it was cool the way he steamed. haha. Prob be Kyle (obviously), matt, dan, dill, and maybe dust (kelly works). Oh ya...you're a dum dum----Becky

Sorry...it was just awesome of the whole steaming thing. ...you smell funny----Sam

*****

this is boring me now. Ya...you were right, Meg, I do need to talk to him...but, he never lets me. I dunno...I guess Icould write him...but I'm not sure if I should. He doesn't seem to care whether I contact him or not. He never answers back...and...*sigh*. It hurts.

Insomniac