Graffiti

***

"Cross your arms over your chest and just let yourself fall...knowing they'll catch you". The 'test of trust'. I've only been able to do that once and it was with a person I trust beyond even my own expectaations. Now...I don't know if I can even catch myself, of if I want to be caught. Amazing...how much things can change. How angry and stubborn people can become. I can understand why some despise humankind...though I still have yet to feel that emotion. I despise only the actions. Yes, I'm in a blabbering mood. I haven't written in my journal in a while--and I'm enjoying the relief. Last nite I couldn't sleep because I had so much running through my mind--due to lack of writing. I've lost my muse...and I miss it. Life's been pretty good lately. I've felt so...alive. I look forward to my future--the rest of my life. I think I look so foward to it so that I won't be tempted to live in the past. I've been keeping myself busy lately. Not even realizing it. A part of me is missing...and it hurts.

Yes, I've been doing alot of thinking and researching about/for college and such (my homies can vouch for that). I'm starting to get a bit of a plan. Most likely 1st two yrs-Crowder. And then finish at Drury. I've talked Amanda into doing the same (without even meaning to). I've glad Sam wants to go with me...I want her to get away from her mother. She doesn't deserve a reflection of that path. As for my major...most likely journalism or english. I always joke about being one of those poor, starving writers who lives on the side of the road, eating cans of cat food...hm...not a bright future...no...no. With my luck, I'll end up like Poe. Though I wouldn't mind inheriting his skill in writing. I entered a little poetry contest my English teacher told me about. I debated on whether to submit a morbid piece or a prosy piece...I chose the morbid one *grin*. Woha...I just got deja vu...I tend to get that alot...good or bad? I don't know.

Took the ACT practice test and did pretty well on it--I just hope I'm as lucky with the actual test. I started to shake when I took it. I tend to get stressed easily and when I do, I shake...weird. Life has been pretty...ok...though I really do miss my ability to write...but, I guess I lack the emotion right now...the motivation. It's hard to write from numbness---not a good derivative of creativity.

I miss daniel...I'll admit that. This is my journal, the place where I can write whatever the bloody hell I want...well...on second thought, if I post this on my blog...hmm...nevermind, I'll keep some stuff in my head. I just wish I'd at least gotten an explanation from him. I deserve that at the very least.

*sigh* Well, I guess you can't have everything in life...can you? (Then again...I know I can at least have some brownies, because Lori's cooking some as I write this *mischevious grin*) Well...daniel, though you won't read these words, I'm writing them for myself--I hope you're taking care of yourself. I can't help that I still feel protective...

Goodbye my fellow love muffins

Insomniac

this part of me has gone
as I lay beneath the rising sun
so I sing my own lullaby
a slow wimsical song
to lose myelf within this place
as gentle amber wisps
and half hearted sentiments
graffiti my horizon
shoot the apple atop my head
whether strike or blow
blood will be shed

October 4, 2004

Insomniac