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***
everything is all so clear
so very clear this nite
like a dull, ruthless blade
it has ripped me open
this wound of eternal angst
I stare at myself
like Alice through the looking glass
no longer a part of my own being
no longer a part of this nite
I watch...
as my eyes begin to bleed
a sentry frozen still
I watch my tears fall
dripping...slowly dripping
crimson stains upon this paper-
ruby smears upon my flesh
my crimson tears fall...
fall...through this bitter nite
soft caresses of this blade
upon my pallid flesh
tender kisses of this blade
upon my ruined heart
kiss me sweetly...oh so sweetly
kiss this nite away
self multilation is not of my taste
nor is selfish delight
I will not be damned to Hades throne
no, not this very nite
for now I know...and will always know
that it is you who holds the blade
my heart has died slowly
silently, and softly
but the end has come,
my venomous love,
the end has come this nite
so kiss me one last time
my sinister love
kiss me forever goodbye
kiss this poison from my lips...
for this is the nite I die
September 18, 2004
Insomniac
***
This is a poem I wrote a little while ago. A morbid tapestry of my emotions.
Insomniac
***
It's thanks to my dad's genes that I have these migraines...usually from stress, lack of sleep, lack of food, tension...etc. I get them easily--and this one's not going away for a while.
Meg, Sam, and Michael (meg's lil bro) just left. We went to the library (John almost hit us in his ford---freak :)) and then we bumped in my yard for a bit. Tomorrow Sam and I are going to Meg's---well...I think I'm going---I haven't asked yet. We're gonna study for the ACT (what fun!!) and probably do a ton of stupid stuff---as usual.
Wondering about Daniel is about to blow my mind. He's gone against his own words which is disappointing...I thought that I could count on him this time...I guess he's completely taken me out of his life, and didn't care to say goodbye---It really hurts to be ignored, but...I guess I should be used to it. It's like deja vu all over again. I trusted him when he said he would truly try this time...and breaking my trust is the worst thing for him to do...I don't trust easily. *sigh*. I have no way of communicating with him now, since he ignores anything I write to him---I doubt he ever reads this thing. Oh well...it's not my fault.
*ugh* I need some more medicine...wait, no I don't--I've already taken too many. grrrrrr...and joy I have Algebra to finish and a Spanish test to study for (oh so fun). Well, cheerio my fellow mates and tah tah tah.
Insomniac
***
Didn't sleep so good last nite. My dream was the closet thing to a nightmare that I've ever had...the deja vu feeling I sensed made me suspect that I've had this dream before...just the waking part of me didn't remember. I don't want to remember it...
Insomniac
***
I'ts 7:37 in the morning. I still have a couple of hours before school. I actually slept the whole nite through--though I didn't have the luxury of dreaming. But, before I fell asleep, I wrote two new poems...which felt good. I posted them on my other blog site, in case anyone gets bored and wants something to read.
***
fuck you because I loved you
fuck you for loving it too
I don't need a reason to hate you
the way that I do...
I'd fuck you out of boredom
I'd fuck you because I can't feel anything anyways
I'd fuck you to make the pain go away...
fuck you because I loved you
fuck you for loving it too
I don't need a reason to hate you
the way that I do...
That's a song by Manson, the only song I like by him.
I hope everyone's doing good. As for me...I'm not sure.
I think I'll post a few more of my past journal entries...as I did in my previous blog...
September 12, 2004
No matter how bad things get, I'll always have people there to grab hold of my hand before I fall...I've finally realized this. I don't understand--wait, I do/can understand why some hate life so much. I just wish they could try to smile...I'm a worrier by nature, but I'm finally learning. I think Meg's helping me on my path to self-acceptance and self-understanding. She's just about the only person I've ever met who I can really talk to. No fakeness. I think she's comes closet to understanding me. I just appreciate that she genuinely tries--which is much more than I can say for most people.
June 9th, 2004
What do I want to do with my life? Honestly...I'm not quite sure. I'm always asked this question, "what do you want to be when you 'grow up'?". And I always answer "I don't know". My path has changed so much...I remember when Amanda and I wanted to be vets...lawyers...interior designers...But, the career I've always kept at heart is that of a writer...
Ugh, the sun's so bright--I'm on the roof of the beach house--but the paper's blinding me. Hold on--ah, there we go. I can't stress enough how drawn I am to the ocean. But, not just the sight--it intrigues all of my senses. The beauty of the waves and the seagulls soaring above, the setting sun, the feel of sand between my toes, and the shock of cold fromm the first touch. The smell of sea spray and we sand, taste of salt on the air--calming repetition of crashing waves...I just love it all.
June 13, 2004
*sigh* great, now that I have pen in hand and paper i front of me, I don't know what to write. Actually..by explaining that, I DID write something...hm..
I know that today may very well be one of the last times that I get to see my great grandmother (alive). It's so sad...seeing how helpless some of those elder people are. Some of them are so lonely because they don't have family to come and visit them. It's scary...thinking that I'll be like that one day. Well, if I live that long.
My grandparents were talking about how they'll have to move to a smaller place sometime. *wow* it's weird looking at pics of them...it's hard to imagine them being young. It makes me wonder what they were like.
I read this one story about a couple who are more like roommates than anything else. They share seperate rooms, dinner tiems, tv's...and everything. How could a couple stand to be so disconnected? I couldn't bare to live like that at all.
July 8th, 2004
My dad actually let me go camping with Kelly, Meg, and Sam las nite. If ully expected a long-drug out "no"..but, wow, he let me
Camping was...well..could have been better. Kelly and I kept getting into these little arguments yesterday and today. They were dumb, but he kept getting annoyed and pissy, though I didn't do anything. But, when he dropped the three of us off at Sam's this morning, I gave up and hugged him (I'm so weak..). I finally signed the fire tower...well, I scratched my msg on with a safety pin from my pants (no today, but the last time I went--July 2, 2004). I wonder if I'll ever get to read it again...
June 8th, 2004
(note from me to Sam)
This is what sucks about sharing a room----Becky
Ya, b/c you can hardly have any privacy. Ugh...I'm so mad right now. I mean, I was going to go to Kyle's and get tipsy, but I'm pretty much screwed on that. I wish that I could be my own boss. That would be totally awesome.---Sam
Ya, no privacy sucks. Hopeflly Maria will be cool. I'm sorry about your mom. But, whenever something like that happens, I try to think that maybe if I had gone, then I would have gotten in trouble or something. I'm not going without you. Awww, Kyle's gonna miss you!----Becky
Ya, maybe she will. I sometimes get so mad at he. Hmm...I never rally think of sutff like that. Aww..I feel special. I'm guessing that Meg's not going to go either. I bet he will, but oh well. It's not my fault. I guess I'll call him tonite and tell him that bad news. Oh yea, how about you check the clothes. About the whole Dan and Dill thing, me and you were inside watching them from Kyle's room. You and I were omn the bed talking. I was hoping to end the war with Dan this saturday. I told him not to to go bed when I'm over there. He was all "oh that was a big threat"---Sam
Haha, now I remember! hehe...that was very strange. They must have been "comparing". ---I miss my babe. I wonder who all is going to be at Kyle's..hm..---Becky
They probably were.... that was funny when daniel like glanced over at us and l like hurried and turned my head. That was funny how he started steaming after him and Kyle were wrestling. Do you remember how my hair looked after being tickled to death? It was like sex hair. I don't know who will be there, but obviously not me. ---Sam
Ok, enough about Dan...srry but, it bugs me to hear his name--too many memories. But..it was cool the way he steamed. haha. Prob be Kyle (obviously), matt, dan, dill, and maybe dust (kelly works). Oh ya...you're a dum dum----Becky
Sorry...it was just awesome of the whole steaming thing. ...you smell funny----Sam
*****
this is boring me now. Ya...you were right, Meg, I do need to talk to him...but, he never lets me. I dunno...I guess Icould write him...but I'm not sure if I should. He doesn't seem to care whether I contact him or not. He never answers back...and...*sigh*. It hurts.
Insomniac
I'm in a weird mood today...one that I don't like. I can't explain it, and I can't control it. There's this emptiness inside of me...so strong...almost as though I've lost my heart---yet, it's as though these aren't my emotions.
I stayed up last nite reading my old journal entries, since I couldn't sleep right away. I've kept almost 4 journals since October 14, 2003. And I've written a countless amount of poems. The first entry I wrote was a letter to Daniel--one that I never gave him---actually, there are a few of those scattered throughout. Part of me wishes I could just hand him my journals and let him get to know my thoughts. They're right in front of me...feeling like a burden of hell and heaven combined. I read things I don't even remember thinking...feeling. It's like getting to know myself again. I wish I could post some of my entries--but, the only interesting ones are too personal, and the rest would bore even me. *grin*. I dunno...maybe I'll find one to post for my own amusement. I could edit them if I HAD to (hehe). Hold on...break time
I'm back...Meg and I are talking about rice (don't ask :)) I'm making fun of her "nasty American Instant Rice". muhuhaha. Hm...I think I know what I'll do, I'll just post lil bits of my journals...ya...that sounds entertaining--it'll keep me from being bored..right? ..maybe. We'll just see :). And then when I'm finished, I'll go fix some of my NON-American rice.
***
December 26, 2003
I actually talked to my mom earlier--around 11 pm..yeah...I've done alot of thinking about her. Now to Kelly...I got to see him today..I still don't know what to think of him...I'm happy...and he treats me good...very sweet, but...there's something missing. I think, deep down, that if I were to lose him, I would barely feel any pain. I think I got so addicted to dan b/c we were so strongly emotionaly attatched--we had so much pain that I became closer to him through that. I wanted to be his reason for living...but our "relationship" was completely unstable...unhealthy..Maybe my heart is just being careful this time...so that I don't trip over the same stone twice. The only thing wrong with Kelly and me is that we're not emotionally connected...it's almost as though--ugh, I can't explain it. I don't want to say he seems "fake" on the outside--he's anything but fake. You would think he hides behind a smile. But, he's genuine..ugh. I dunno. It's like I dont' know if he's deep..you know? With daniel...we could TALK (really talk) about..life, love, ....deep conversations. Maybe I just don't know Kelly well enough yet..I'm a very deep person and I want to be able to share that. I wonder if he could feel the poetry I write...somehow I doubt it. *sigh*..I can never put my emotions clearly on paper. Well, anyways, I'm HAPPY. I'm just afraid it won't last.
July 24, 2004
I spent the nite at Amanda's last nite. I told her a bit about daniel..:). I was surprised that she was actually supportive. She liked the fact that he's at least trying to get his life together. She said that she always sensed a connection between him and me. She doesn't realize how much her support means to me. She's usually the most honest of my friends.
July 27, 2004
Well, we're still together, and it's good. Better than before. I love being around him. He wanted me to get some sleep b/c I was tired--so he gave me a massage. When Kyle came in and complained that I'd taken his blanket daniel was like "shhhh! she's sleepling!". It was cute. It was just nice being with im. A couple of times I had something bothering me and he could tell right off...I like that. Usually I'm not an easy person to read...He said he'd try and make it work this time--if anything happens, he'll be honest. He made me promise not to get scared and not to worry. (etc, I cut a ton out...anyways)
Meg gave Kelly the scrapbook before he came to Kyle's...I wondered if he had looked at it.
I hope daniel doesn't get jealous over Kelly. It would be pointless. But, he said something when Kelly showed up. I love daniel so much. I'm not going to worry about 'us'. What happens, happens.
December 31, 2003
I'm bored..lonely...bored..wonder if Kelly will drop by tomorrow. I hope so. But, probably not--he'll probably be too hungover and will just stay over at Kyle's. I've been upset about some things...I have along fuse...but a weak heart. I get hurt easily. I'm pathetic..pathetic..pathetic. I didn't know how bad daniel messed me up...I still seem to have scars from him. I can't ignore how he changed me. But...it didn't work. He had a temper, and I got hurt..over and over. I lacke the strength...for the both of us. I thought he was the one...I wanted for him to be. I didn't need anyone else. When we were together, I NEVER even looked at another guy. I didn't need to. With Kelly...I actually dont' want him to be 'the one' (if there even if such a thing). I guess I expect too much from Kelly. I was so eager to fall in love again--to forget...But, now I DONT" want to love--b/c then I'll be completely attatched. Maybe I'm just scared of being hurt again. Haha, Meg thinks I love him...no...I don't. I'm happy...but it's not true happiness. Damn..confusing, huh? heh. Obviously, I'm having mixed feelings. I'm just trying to break it down into words. I'm just...complicated.
July 6, 2004
Sam and I stayed over at Kyle's---matt, kyle, and daniel were there & kelly and dillon also. It was weird being around daniel for that long...things seemed to be fine between us. We were talking and joking around. But, he found that I had written on his blog and wrote back. He said that "we're not friends and never will be and that I left him for a lie and didn't care to hear the truth." Then yesterday, he was on under kyle's name and decided to remind me. We had a bit of a 'convo'. Ya...he's still angry at me. I just wish he'd accept my truth. I hate admitting this..but by being around him, I really started to miss him...
**********
Ok, I'm going to get off of here before my 'dear' sister has a heart attack. I swear she's so much like her mother sometimes (which is NOT a compliment). Hm...daniel's still on...figures he wouldnt' want to talk to me. Whatever. It's not as though I fucking did anything. He's the one who wanted communication, and then he goes and ignores me. All I want is to fucking talk to my boyfriend whom I miss. Grrrrr...I'm not in a good mood...i have a headache and I need rice and my sis is a bitch.
Later
Insomniac.
***
This song's been in my head...It's how I feel...
I look away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cause I'm in Love With you
You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything
I'm in love with you
Cause i'm in love with you
And I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you,
Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
***
We're all destined to meet that one person who will never leave our memories...they capture your heart in such a way that can neither be explained nor spoken. It doesn't matter how many other people you fall in love with...they'll always be at the back of your heart...you look into their eyes, and nothing else matters...they possess a beauty that can never be dupilicated. They have a hold over you that you'll never understand. No matter how angry they make you or how many times they mess up, you'll always love them...always forgive them...always want to wipe away their tears. No matter how annoying their love may be, you'll always secretly crave it. They make you feel alive. They remind you of what it's like to feel...they bring the deadest part of your soulf to life...and once they're gone...a part of you dies.
Because of this, I don't take anything or anyone for granted. Every single person in my life fulfills a certain part of me...if someone offers you their love, embrace it.
Insomniac
***
I was reading a book on Chinese Horoscopes (which I've always loved) and decided to share what my sign says about me:
**The Dragon**
Compatibility: You are most compatible with a Rat as your partner. Rats sometimes worry unduly and gnaw away at themselves from within. Dragons let their anxieties who, trot them out, adn let off steam at each new upset. Dragons are not only exciting, they are wise. When a Rat finds a Dragon to adore, he goes at the affiar with enough tenderness for both of them.
To begin to describe Dragon is about as challenging as attempting to explain the functions of an electronic brain to a tribe of uneducated Zulus. One of the reasons for this problem is Dragonary elusiveness. Just when you think you have your finger on any given Dragon quality or peevish fault, up comes a glaring fact that turns the whole idea round and makes it apear ridiculous. But, they are among the most sensible, straight-thinking people in the universe. And they always land on their feet.
Without the spice of a hurdle to conquer or an indifferent partnet to convince, Dragons may become bored with an ongoing affair or marriage and seek distraction elsewhere.
Dragons are: scrupulous, sentimental, enthusiastic, intuitive, shrewd, tenacious, healthy, influential, vital, generous, spirited, captivating, artistic, admirable, lucky, successful, and autonomous.
But, Dragons can also be: disquiet, stubborn, willful, demanding, irritable, infatuate, loud-mouthed, malcontent, other-worldly, impetuous, and judgemental.
Remember, the good Dragon is a sentimentalist. The only way to his head is through his heart. (btw: very true)
Madame Dragon: By her very existence, she is a contradiction in terms. She may seem sophisticated, worldly-wise, strong-minded, adn prudent in the extreme. At the same time, she can be brutally down-to-earth, warm-hearted, generous, adn lovingly understanding.
**The Gemini** (May 22 to June 21)
Geminis are: adaptable, versatile, communicative, witty, intellectual, eloquent, youthful, lively, nervous, tense, superficial, inconsistent, cunning, and inquisitive.
Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is dual natured, elusive, complex, and contradictory.
The sign is linked with Mercury, the planet of childhood. They are very attractive; when they are bad, they are more the worse for the charmers they are.
Even at their worst they are never dull - there is usually playfulness below the surface, and they can be brilliant conversationalists - but they can also be quarrelsome, prattlers, boasters, liars and cheats.
Geminis are often skilled manipulators of language adn succeed as poets, teachers, novelists, journalists, members of the armed forces--etc. In the arts they may excel in music, painting and sculpture. They make good psychic researchers of a sceptical kind. Negatively they can degenerate into confidence tricksters, thieves and even adepts in the black arts.
Likes: talking, novelty and the usual, variety in life, multiple projects going at once, reading.
Dislikes: feeling tied down, learning (such as school), being in a rut, mental inaction, being alone.
Possible Health Concerns: Gemini rules the arms, shoulders, hands, lungs and nervous system and its subjects need to beware of diseases and accidents associated with the upper part of the body, as well as nervous and pulmonary disorders such as catarrh and bronchitis. Their mercurial nature may also affect a constitution which is not strong if it is put under strain.
**The color Blue**
The color of the mystical sleep and deep twilight.
Ruled by the element water and the god Neptune (the creator of our nightly dreams; Poseidon)
Blue gems are receptive and promote peace and understanding.
**Poseidon**
(This is one of my favorite Greek gods.)
God of the sea--known as "Neptune" in Roman mythology.
Son of Knonos and Rheia; brother of Zeus, Hades, Hestia, Demeter, and Hera.
Poseidon is one the original Olympians.
His mission is to give voice to the Earth.
Known as "The Earth Shaker". He pounds and shakes the earth with his wrath and pleasure.
Answers to noone, except Zeus.
***
Insomniac
***
Allergies suck ASS--they make me so incredibly weak and tired--I feel like I could fall asleep right now--and I can NEVER sleep during the day. I stayed up last nite drinking hot tea and writing--which felt incredibly good--I feel much more relieved. I wrote a long journal entry which ended up turning into a letter to Daniel--I just haven't made up my mind if I should send it to him or not (I already mailed him one yesterday). I don't know what he would think of it--maybe I should just say "fuck it" and send it anyways, regardless of whatnot. It's a very open letter...so...I dunno. My brain's too fried to make any kind of decision right now--if I had to pee, I probably wouldnt' be able to decide whether or not I should actually go to the trouble of sitting on the damned toilet and peeing (so very time consuming, you know?).
My day was pretty ok--which is every day, actually. Nothing too extreme---alot of work though, and a test in Algebra (thanks Mr. Culp). Did weight lifting thing in gym (which is kind of funny, considering how little and weak I am--haha, um..k), got into a frito fight with Randall at lunch, caught a crazed--pissy bumble bee in Bio, watched Amanda try to chase down dragon flies with her big net (VERY amusing), went bloggying, lalala--so, viola, my day has been fulfilled. Thank the holy monkey that tomorrow is a late day---I can take it easier and wake up later tomorrow (booyah). *yawn*, aight, I guess I'll get offa here and go.......do what I do best (which I have yet to figure out, but for now we'll just pretend). Oh ya, i've got an essay to start---joy (not sarcasm). It's going to be interesting for me---The topic is "imagine your parents do not accept the person you are in love with based on age, sexual orientation, race, religious beliefs, etc--write a persuasive essay to persuade them to let this person into your life"--well, tah tah for now. I hope everyone's doing good.
BTW: In case anyone cares, I updated my other blog as well. For those of you who don't know, the site is http://thesleeplessone.blogspot.com --visit to view my 'creative' psychotic writings. (I just kind of threw "creative" in there to make it sound better).
As always,
Insomniac
***
Ya...I'm back. This is my last resort my self-amusement. :). I found my dad's webcam, and so it has become my new source of entertainment. I've been taking pics of.....stuff--my monkeys, me trying to touch my nose, me trying to balance m&m's on my nose...Oh ya, I went "bug huntin" earlier, for Bio class--I finally caught this creepy spider with a spatula and pickle jar. Maybe I'll post a pic of the lil freak...
This is a poem I had posted on my other blog--it's a new one I wrote--and I just felt like posting it.
sandman, sandman
come take me away
blow your dust accross my lashes
send me away, send me away
a place far from this
free me from this nite
free me from this misery
and shut these tired eyes
as my lashes flutter shut
images of tomorrow
memories of today
play accross the screen
let me dream of better days
set me free, set me free
let me sleep this endless maze
give me wings
to fly from this
leave this hurtful place
sandman, sandman
here I lay
August 2, 2004 ( I think that's the right date)
Insomniac
I'm in a writing mood again...I guess my muse is finally back. *grins* I'm in one of those moods where I just want to stay in my room all day...curled up in my blue blankets, monkeys piled around me, rock music blaring, my writing spread out around me, singing softly as the rain drizzles down the windows...a perfect day, in my eyes. I hope everyone's doing ok, especially Daniel------->If your'e not, I'm sorry, and I hope your day gets better, here's some hugs and kisses for you -- xoxoxoxo. Imagine a big, sloppy kiss (haha).
Alright, bye everyone!
Insomniac
Hm...that's weird---it won't let me include pics....
***
Well, today's Saturday---we get a three day wkend (which I definitely need). I slept worse than usual last nite--so I'm extremely exhausted right now--plus, Amanda gave me her cold (thanks! :)) My immune system isn't exactly strong, so I tend to get sick easily--oh well.
Let's see...not much has happened. The game was busy Thursday---and the concession stand work was actually kind of fun--we just sort of goofed around with Freeman whenevern we weren't warming up weiners. What is it with people specifically wanting cheese on their hotdogs? It's gross..ugh.
I've been doing research for colleges---I looked up what classes I'll need to take to get a major in English---alot---it's a good thing that I love the subject.
Yay, Lori and Beth just walked out the door--I really need a few hours to myself.
Alright, I guess I'll get off of here and go run around naked or something. Tah Tah.
Insomniac
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