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...now about KELLY...I MISS HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I haven't seen him in almost a week, grr. It really sucks when you can only see your boyfriend once a week. Oh great, now i'm in a 'Kelly chatting' mood.
...Sometimes I wish I could just...I dunno...do something sweet for him. I guess it's because I'm one of those hopeless romatics at times...I'm the type of person who'd rather recieve a handwritten poem or letter, rather than an actual gift. And..sometimes I wish that we could actually have a serious conversation...I just..dont' even know how he feels sometimes. I'll sit here and wonder, do I even mean anything to him?...at all?...it's hard to explain...
...Life is so COMPLICATED sometimes, you know? Sometimes...sometimes I wish some people could just stop being so negative, and actually TRY for once....
...Some people...seem to have a constant smile on their face, and it really makes me wonder. Have they ever even frowned? Are they even capable of crying? or feeling pain? How do they..feel?.....
***..Adri's over here, her and Adam are off somewhere. Earlier today I was wearing one of Adam's hoodies, and she almost went insane b/c it smelled like him. She kept huffing my arm, believe me, it looked kind of....strange. Well, her and I got into this little convo about how we'd like to have 'articles' of clothing from our boyfriends. Don't ask. I guess the reason is that it smells like them, and it just gives you something personal of theirs. Hehe, i told her to 'borrow' one of Adam's boxers. She wants his hoodie, i guess that's better...whatever.
*sigh* Well, toodles for now.
**Dream as if you'll live forever...live as if you'll die tomorrow.
***Right now i'm just having a verbal fight with Adam, what fun. He's still in Rogers, but he'll be home in a few. How lovely.ok......now what? hm....well, at the moment I'm working on a speech for (what other class?) Speech and debate. I have to tell what i want to be engraved on my tombstone. It's actually a really cool topic. TooooooooTahTah.
***Live is not about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself.
We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.
I got hit on by two 10 year olds today.....I swear, it's as though I'm a magnet for horny midgets.
Anyways, I got in a reminiscing/cleaning mood today. I decided to attack my closet. At the moment, my floor is completely covered with junk and memories. But...I found some interesting things, stuff I had all but forgotten about.
I found so many poems and writings from years ago. It was weird reading about my past, through my own words. I also found a diary of my mother's that I had stored away. I read part of it, and actually felt remorse. There was so much emotion poured into each and every sentence. That little notebook is the only connection I have to her. It's the only time I've ever been able to crack open her brain and understand her feelings. She talked about my dad...their disintegrating marriage...everything. I now know who I got my emotional writing from....At the moment I'm not sure what's going on in her life. When she calls, I usually make up an excuse to avoid talking with her. But, when we do 'chat', it's always an awkward silence, or the same habitual questions....
It surprised me to realize that I'd inherited a bit of my mother. I've always believed that I take soley after my dad, at least in personality. From my mom I gained: her dark eyes, dark hair, asian blood, and my habit of keeping a diary. From my dad: my height, build (thanks dad, for my lack of boobs), sarcasm, creativity, love of writing, passion, ...my entire personality.
Ok.....enough about my parents.....now about the love of my life, Kelly. Since the moment we first me...I've adored him. At first, I thought he was out of my league. He just seemed like one of those people that I could never have. I've been asked by quite a few friends if I "love him". Honestly....I don't, at least not in this moment. When they heard that, they were basically shocked. They just don't understand me, they thought my answer was cruel. It takes alot for me to completely love a person. To me, loving a person and falling in love with someone are two completely different things. I feel like we haven't even come close to opening up to eachother..and I'm one of those people who crave that..I don't know him emotionally/mentally. I don't know what his thoughts are, I have no clue about his opinons or morals. But, believe me, I AM happy with him. Do I "love" him? No. Does he love me? No. Am I falling IN love with him? Yes, completely. Wow. I just re-read this, and I can't believe how damn confusing it sounds. Oh well, as long as I understand myself, it's ok. All that matters is that at the moment, I love falling in love with Kelly.
Well, I'm gonna go back to "cleaning" my room. Tah Tah.
*Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale.
* Act happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love, and do what you will.
*** Sometimes, I wish I could just explain myself fully. But, i'm such a confusing, closed person. There isn't one word in the english dictionary that could completely describe me...I doubt there's a hundred..but, there is one that comes fairly close...I'm Complicated.
I wish I could sit here and write..let my fingers do the telling--pour my heart out for the whole world to see...For the first time in my life, I actually want that. I wish I could spill out my entire life story--sure, the facts would be simple-- but the emotions, feelings, memories..those are what build my heart--those are what keep me alive--those are what I am incapable of putting into words....Honestly, I am not sure as to where I am going with this...Maybe...maybe I just want to explain myself, once and for all. To no longer be "the girl no one knows" "the girl no one will ever understand". Maybe.....I just want to understand myself...put my feelings, thoughts, emotions into order....onto paper....spill them out in ink...so that I have something soid...so that I have proof...
Today is February 3rd, 2004. In the past year, I have changed more than I have in my entire life--mostly emotionally, and mentally. Exactly a year ago, I was a completely closed, lost, lonely, girl who had never opened up her heart to anyone..not even to herself. In the past months: my parents seperated, then divorced, my mom moved to Arizona (and my relationship with her is all but obsolete: ugh, the one word I can't spell), my sister became severely sick and changed completely, my dad remarried, I gained three new sibling, a new family moved in, watched as Lori fought for (and lost) her only daughter, gained new friends, lost one of my best friends, fell in love, lost that love, gained that love, lost that love, gained that love...(..hm...see a pattern?)..went through severe depression, finally broke down the wall I've always built and opened up a tiny bit of myself, gained an even bigger trust phobia, found my truest friends, discovered my love for writing, and....found the one person with the power to make me remember how to smile. There's more, but...I don't really want to add it......Basically, I wrote that to put my thoughts into order......
This coming Sunday is our III month anniversary. :):). I miss him right now..:(..*sniff*...hopefully I'll get to see him tomorrow.
I've also been thinking about the people who make this life worth living.....so, I decided to write out my thoughts/feelings for each...
Dad: you're the one person who's kept me safe and secure since the day I came home from the hospital. We've always gotten along great, and i hope that it stays that way. Out of my entire family, I take after you the most. You seem to know me pretty well, and that makes sense (after all, you ARE my father). No matter how many times I've slammed the door when you made me mad, i could always count on you to knock five min later ready with an apology. I'll always love you.
Beth: You're my one and only blood sister. I know that things aren't the same as they used to be..and..WE aren't the same as we used to be..but, no matter what, I'll always be your Lil Sis, and that's the one thing that will never change. No matter what, I'm here, and I love you.
Adam: Hey lil Ho!! haha, you know I'm just playin'. You're the little brother that I've always wanted, and you're the one person that gets along with me pretty perfectly. No matter how many times I've had to see your white butt, or how many times you've farted in my face, you're still awesome!! *but, I doubt you'll ever beat me in Poker...*
Kelly: !!!! What can I say? You're the reason that I got over my depression. You've helped me so much, without even realizing it. Maybe one day i'll be able to tell you how happy you're made me..you keep the smile on my face and the light in my eyes...and for that I thank you.
Amanda: Hey freaky!!! You're one of my bestest friends. We're so much alike, I think that's why we've always gotten along so great. Our brains just..go together. We seem to understand eachother on a mental level. You've always been there to slap me back to reality, and to make me stupider (yes, Amanda, I know it's not a word) my listening to your jibberish. But, I still love ya!
Adri: Hey!!! I've known you for a few years, but we didn't even get close until this past year. And, it's amazing how close we've gotten in such a short time. We trust eachother alot, and I hope it stays that way. You're one of the only people I know that actually enjoys bouncing weird questions and gossip around. I know that whatever I say to you will never be repeated--thank you!!
Sam: Hey dum dum!! You're one of my favorit little people! I haven't even known you all that long, but I like ya all the same!! We've had a lot of fun, freaky, weird times. I can't even count the hours we've stayed up talking about...well..what else? guys/love/life. Stay the same dork as always! (haha, I'm just jokin'!)
Meg: What up homeslice??? I didn't realize that I wasn't alone in expressing myself through writing. You seem to appreciate and (somewhat) understand my poetry. I've gotten to know you a bunch through you're writing, and I hope the same goes for you. I hope I've helped you at least a tinky bit in life--just remember, love, tears, and smiles are what makes life worth living. I hope we stay friends for a long time to come.
Kyle: Hey psycho. You stupid twit. hehe. We used to talk a lot, about some weird things too (at times). Well, we don't do that anymore, and I regret that. But, I'll always be glad that we became friends. Never lose your humor or the smile on your face.
***Well, I think that just about concludes this lil love fest. I've got t-shirts and posters to make. Amanda, Sam, Adri, and me have a lovely "concert" tomorrow for a bunch of Oompa Loompas. We named ourselves The Bob. (dude, it's friggin awesome). So, yeah. More later.
*** Well, i deleted all of my blogs on here. I decided to just kind of 'restart' it. At the moment, I'm sitting in Meg's living room with Sam, Kyle (stupid freak..), and Meg herself. As for what's new..nothing really. I've just been kind of bouncing around from confusion to happiness, over and over, these past couple of weeks. It seems I can't make up my mind. But, all in all, I'm doing ok. I think I'll start posting some of my poetry---here goes.
As I sit high upon my throne
I watch the world, through eyes alone
I think I'll stay here for a while
somber, content, behind a quiet smile
I watch as lives go forth
words no longer reach my ears
before they fade and morph
storms rage as the sun takes a dive
dark holds the dead
and finds those alive
I think I'll blow bubbles at the moon
singing softly
as innocents reach their doom
cut myself upon my halo
and let the tears rain down below
I look into your eyes, but they don't go deep
they stop just short of your laugh
I offer you the tears I've wept over the years
and wonder if you're capable of crying
I reach for your heart, and wonder if you know pain
if you too hide scars
If you read the poetry I write, could you feel the words?
as my fingers caress your lips
it seems a smile is permenately etched in place
I wonder, have you ever frowned?
could heartfelt words ever spill from your tongued-
could we ever sit and talk about the stars?
will I ever lose myself in your eyes?
I turn away...wondering if you're real...
When I look into your eyes,
I want to see your soul
to be sure you're alive
when I hold you, I want to feel you
to know you're worth wanting
I want the sun to rise on your lips
and the moon to set in your eyes
I need you to be my everything (yep, I finished it)
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