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***
Right now I'm sitting at the dining room table. 11:00 at nite. Waiting for my tea to boil. I crave the need to write. But, my hand is making it hard for the pen and paper to cooperate.
I need to write, but about what? I'm not sure...I feel the need to form my thoughts into words. So...now I'll let my mind flow and the ink spill...
I realized the other day just how much I appreciate my dad. I wanted to stay home, but he insisted that I 'bond' with him over nachos at Walmart's snack bar. That's how he's always been. If he senses that I'm upset about something, he'll act dumb and goofy just to make me smile...he'll make up a stupid song, slide on the wooden floors in his socks as he mops (dancing to his "own" nonexistent music), throw a pillow at my head, or pretend to be a host of his own cooking show as he fries an egg (making sure to hit me on the head with his "magical" spatula in the process). If I begin to mope around the house, he'll do all he can to force me out of my mood. He's sacraficed for my sister and me,and I'm glad to see that for the first time since I've known him, he's found someone to make him happy.
Now...about myself...*sigh*. I am a patient person. I will give chance after chance, even when they are not deserved. I am also very forgiving. I have never been able to hold a single grudge. I lack the ability (and knowledge of how) to hate another. Stubborness is also a quality you will find within me. I don't give in easily, especially not on people. If I know something can be solved...proven, I will not rest until I find the solution. I don't give up easily, especially not without a fight. I am extremely understanding and empathetic. I can imagine another's pain with ease. I put myself into other people's shoes so that I can understand them and prevent myself from becoming judgemental. Although I forgive quickly, I do not forget with such ease. I remember the hurtful things a person has put me through. I do not like being tricked, cheated, or lied to. Once you lose my trust, you must work extra hard to earn it back. I trust only those whom I hold close. But, there is not one person that I trust fully and completely (not even myself). I believe that everyone has at least one thing they cannot be trusted with or about. I am very loving. I give love out freely, but there are only a select few who hold a key to my heart.
I do not believe in love at first sight, but I do believe that everyone has a soul mate. Some people just don't look hard enough or they give up too easily. Love is something that must be worked on. You can't give up without truly trying. You must not be discouraged when one little thing goes wrong. Nothing (nobody) is perfect.
A heart is a dear and precious thing. Once broken, it must be mended with time, care, patience, and understanding.
Cheating on your significant other is one thing I completely despise. It's cruel, selfish, and wicked. If you're doing something you wouldn't want them to know about or that you know would hurt them, then you're being completely unfair.
Don't take advantage of second chances, because one of these days you may run out. If a person chooses to forgive you, it is a gift--it shows they care for you.
When you're with someone, do everything you can to make them smile. A relationship is not a one-sided responsibility. Give yourself to that person, be there for them. Treat them with the love and care they deserve--that they show you.
*yawn* I'm tired --maybe I'll actually sleep good tonite. I need to get rid of the circles under my eyes.
Tah Tah
Insomniac
***
I live by these words " dream as if you'll live forever, but live as if you'll die tomorrow".
Life is what I love: living, breathing, loving... The simplest things bring a smile to my lips. There are so many things that people overlook. Every once in a while, we need to slow down...listen to the drizzle of the rain on the windows, close our eyes as the breeze plays with our hair, turn our eyes to the sky and count the stars, fling our arms outward- spin around and around...let our eyes close, and let go- trusting that someone will be there to catch us.
Whenever I get stressed, I surround myself with people who I know will make me laugh (or, I go to a snack bar and grab a pretzel and cappuchino). Around them, I can lose myself, let go of limits and expectations. Act as stupid as I want- scream at the top of my lungs, sing out tune, bounce off the walls, snort when I laugh, play like a little kid, laugh so hard that it hurts. Laughter...that's one of the best things in the world, the way it makes a person feel...
There is so much hate, depression, anger, and worry in this world that people tend to forget how to LIVE. It's amazing how some people treasure material possessions over all else. Honestly, I'd rather own only myself and the ability to love and laugh. I'd choose poeple over money anyday. I treasure human emotion; humans are complicated, amazing creatures that can not be duplicated or replaced. I embrace my weaknesses: like my lack of physical strength, the way my lips quiver when I cry, the way I melt when my face is caressed, my inability to succeed at everything. Perfection is a word that is out of our reach. Perfection is a bore. If we were to reach the level of flawlessness...where would we go from there? We would have no other mountains to climb or battles to fight. There would be no need or room for improvement. There would be no craving of satisfaction or will to survive, because everything would already be conquered. I wouldn't be able to stand a life like that. The things you hate about yourself could very well be exactly what someone else finds intriguing. Don't always try to hide your weaknesses, they could end up being your strongest assets. I enjoy my imperfections, they keep me entertained and give me the drive I need to succeed. If everything about me was perfect, I would become lazy, uncaring, and obnoxious. I enjoy having weaknesses, it gives me something to work on.
There are risks involved in all we do. They're weaved into each breath we take. Life is a risk in itself.
I have no idea why i am alive or what the purpose of life is. It's very possible that life has no purpose. Maybe we make our own intentions for existing. But, we're here, so why not make the most of it? Why question it? Why crave misery over happiness? I believe life is exactly what we make of it. I choose to believe in a higher being. It gives me faith, it give me a reason. I choose to keep the laughter alive and my heart open. I choose to love unconditionaly. Life is whatever we want it to be. I choose to fight against anger and misery. They get us nowhere. Depression and hate only bring us down and weaken us. Love is strength. I respect those who love with all their heart and who live with a faith stronger than I could ever imagine feeling. I choose to believe in certain things, even if there is no possibility for them to be true, such as: love triumphs all evil. Everyone has good in them. Things happen for a reason. Every problem has a solution. We can do whatever we put our mind and heart to. True love never dies, and angels watch over us.
I believe in tyring with all my might and fighting with all that I am. I believe in doing unto others what I would have them do unto me. Appreciation is a necessity; never take anything or anyone for granted. Noone is perfect, we all make mistakes. We hold no right to judge others, but everyone deserves love and a second chance. Do not take for granted those that care for you, because you may never find another person who cares for you that strongly. People can never be replaced, that's why you should treasure those around you.
I believe in loving blindly and giving myself completely to others. Don't let the fear of getting hurt or failing hold you back. Try with all your heart, you'll be doomed if you don't.
Writing is my passion, it's what keeps me (somewhat) sane. Love is my life, and life is my love. I pour myself into all that I do. I try my best to be kind. Kowing that I've helped someone and seeing them smile is what gives me fuel. It gives me a purpose, a reason. Loving others and knowing that I am loved is what keeps me alive. I do not fear death because I know that when my time comes I will have no regrets. We make our own decisions, we make our own chances. Happiness and satisfaction aren't always handed on a silver platter. Not everything comes with a manual of instructions. We must find out for ourselves. Sometimes we must truly work for what we want.
As a wise woman once said, "nobody is tough and strong all the time. To say that is to deny human emotion." If you feel sad, if you feel the need to cry, don't be ashamed. Don't ever be ashamed. Sometimes just letting the tears fall is the best stress reliever in the world. If somebody laughs at you for showing sadness, for showing grief, for showing emotion, then they are not worthy of your time.
Live for the moment. Hold nothing back. Learn to follow your heart, even if it disobeys all laws of logic. Live for yourself. Love others with a passion that ensnares your heart. But, always remember to find love for yourself as well.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years.
It's not strength of life, it's depth of life.
Love is a sign from the Heavens that you're here for a reason.
Insomniac
***
I decided to make a new blog to post my poetry seperately, instead of putting it on here. I'll still be posting on here though (isn't that a joy?). So, if anyone's actually interested in reading my "creativity", my new blog's at "thesleeplessone.blogspot.com".
If you get bored, drop by. Toodles.
Insomniac
***
-I just got done reading Sam's blog and it put me into a writing mood. So, here I find myself pounding away at the keys...
-I first met Kyle through Warren. I remmeber the first thing we ever said to eachother; "Hi, my name's Becky, and I hear voices." "Hi, my name's Kyle, and I have problems." WE used to talk all the time, before we had even met face to face. It was just easy to talk to him. I remmber one time I told him he was sweet..he got "mad". He was one of the few people who could really make me laugh. I remember how he used to make me smile, and how how he tried to amke me get through my depression over Daniel. He was such a good friend-my best guy friend. Don't get me wrong...I still consider him a good friend. Just...it's not the same.
-I remember the moment Daniel came into my life. Amanda came bouncing into computer class with a huge grin on her face and told me that some guy named Daniel Boyke liked me. My reaction was "uhh...who?" A few days later (a wk before Valentines) we went to the Homecoming game and dance together. I remember how nervous I was and how he kept shaking throughout the entire game (I don't even know who won..). I remember how he asked to see my hand, and I was so nervous that I didn't realize that he wanted to hold it. I remember our first kiss too...completely unexpected. We were dancing forehead to forehead and he just leaned in and kissed me.
He had so many sweet qualities that only I seemed to see. He was my love, my life-he seemed to have an iron clad grip on my heart. That's why I always went back to him. But, my favorite thing was just simply talking to him. We had this...connection. I loved to just listen to his voice, hoping he would learn to open up to me. But, he just had so much hate...for the world, for God, for me. I think he needed to learn how to love himself first. I remember each break up. I remember the pain. I lost count of how many times I cried and how many poems I wrote. I often wondered if I ever even meant anything to him, or if I was just a heart used to entertain a bored mind.
We were together on and off for a little over 8 months. It just never seemed to work. Every time we got back together, something would go wrong in his life and he'd end up breaking up w/me. I took him back a fifth time, hoping things would finally work out. But, it was the same-the past repeated itself. He started to turn cold towards me again...which hurt more than I can describe. I got scared, and left him. I wanted to break up with him before he had the chance to break up with me (which I thought he was planning to do). Unfortunately, it ended very bad. He though I'd left him for Kelly and no matter how many times I tried to tell him the truth, he refused to accept it. I wanted to remain friends w/him, but...he hates me. So much hate for one heart. No matter how cruel he was or how hateful he seemed, I never saw that when I looked into his eyes.
-I remember the first time I met Megan. We barely even knew eachother. She didn't even know my last name. She rang the doorbell, we eyes eachother, and then we set off for Washburn. I remember the ride up there, even some of the things we talked about. We kept joking about how much it would suck if we wrecked b/c of a hay bale (haha...I still think that would have been a teeny bit funny...). Anyways, here we were, two completely different chicks, pimpin' through Washburn, stuck behind some tooth pick chewin' farmer in a hay bale truck. We ended up playing pool at P.Q. Which I happened to *cough* lost at. I didn't realize that day that I had just emt a girl who would turn out to be one of my very best friends.
-Now, Sammie...I don't remember actually "meeting" her. I do remember when she ahd to "tell about herself" in English b/c Mrs. Bratting insisted we all "share. She was so very quiet (worse than me). I actually remember alot of what she said in that small one minute speech of hers. The first time she came over to my house was also the first time I met Kelly. She and I had been talking to Kyle, Kelly, and Dillon on the computer. I was just getting in the shower when she knocked on the door and told me that "the boys" we coming over. I cussed and twenty min. later the doorbell rang. I remember how we squealed and darted to the door. We stepped out onto the porch and I accidently let the door slap Sammie in the face :) (sorry about that Sam..accident..pure accident..). The minute we turned to face them, we felt like midgets (those boys aren't exactly...short).
Since then, Sam and I have been great friends. We've had a lot of fun times, memories, and laughs. She's a little person, but she has a big heart.
-Warren...I spent Halloween of Freshmen year trick or treating w/him, Brit, and Beth. That was a pretty fun nite. Running around Exeter, not caring how stupid we acted (you're never too old to bum candy off of random strangers). Amanda and Gary had been trying to get us "together". Amanda had said to Warren "Hey, I should hook you and Becky up". Even though she wasn't serious, he was interested. I think that I still have the e-mail he sent asking me out. I turned him down. I just didn't like him that way. But, after a while we became pretty good friends and started to talk quite a bit. We used to e-mail eachother all the time. He'd usually write me while he was "working" at Vo-tech. I actually opened up to him somewhat. He's proven to be a nice, true friend.
-Kelly...my first impression of him was that he was TALL and looked cute w/his shaggy blonde hair (even though I don't usually like blondes). He seemd so cute and innocent-he was one of those people that you just want to hug. I started to fall for him when he threw sticks at me. He had the most adorable little grin.
We started to go out on November 8th of last year--his birthday. That nite was fun. We had all been hanging out around the little "bonfire" when Sam and I decided to go inside and get a drink. Megan runs in, panting, and mumbling a bunch of jibberish. Finally, we spat out that Kelly wanted to know if I'd go out with him. She described how nervous he was, and how he'd paced around the fire, picking up twigs and breaking them. I practically shouted "yes". I'd never expected him to like me. Besides, a few wks before he had told me that he like some girl. So, I'd been about to give up on liking him. We spent eight months and 6 days together. He broke up with me 3 days ago. I knew something was wrong the moment I heard his voice on the other end of the phone. I just knew something wasn't right. Losing him was the last thing I'd expected. The moment he said "I don't think I should see you anymore" I couldn't speak. I just thought "no, this can't be be happening-it's not supposed to happen!". I'd spent so much time w/him. So many memories, so many kisses...so much reminds me of him. I'd been working up the courage to spill my heart to him...and he was working up the courage to break it. I always wondered how he truly felt. I knew he didn't love me (I could see it in his eyes). That's why I never told him. I didn't want to scare him away. Now I know how he feels. It hurts...it's finally sunk in, I'm over the shock. Now I'm drowing in memories...so many memories...no more Kelly...no more kisses...no more hugs...no more cuddling...no more listening to him sing me "the gerbil song". Nothing. But...I understand that he had to follow his heart. I understand why he had to leave...no matter how hart it hurts. But, what cuts the deepest is knowing that his feelings for me stoppoed. He always meant more to me than I ever meant to him...but...I'm strong. I'm following the advice I always hand out. I'm living the words in my previous blog. Things happen for a reason...I have friends who care for me and it really is hard to frown when I'm around them. I've survived a broken heart before (which was even worse) and so I can and will survive once more.
-Sam is right...things ARE changing. For betteer or for worse? Maybe we'll find out. But, the bad things in life help us to see the good of which we were blind to before. Like Sam, I wish Kyle and Daniel the best of luck. It's not what you've been through that counts, it's how you handle it. What goes around comes around. You can't live your life with a frown on your face and hate in your heart; or you'll never be happy. I just wish everyone the best of luck. I care for each of them with all my heart. I love ach one in a different way. I have memories w/each that can neither be forgotten nor erased. These are some of the best people in the entire world (whether they realize it or not). I hope each goes as far as they can go, b/c they deserve the best. I wish things could go back to the way they used to be. But, too many ehart have been broken and too many wounds continue to bleed. It's hard to forgive and move on, b/c we can never forget. There is no dwelling on the past, I put it behind me and wish that each relationship could be mended and that each wrong could be forgiven. But, these things take time. I'll always miss the one's I have lost. But, they have all changed me a little, and they have each added to my life in a way that nobody else could.
- Sam and I tend to sit and talk about all the memories. I look back and can't help but smile. So many good and fun times. I treasure them more than anything. I remember the first time I went to Kyle's. The only reason I went was b/c I had Sam w/me. There was NO way I would have gone alone. I barely knew any of those people. At first Sam and I felt like outsiders. But,after a while we felt at home. All of us piled onto Kyle's little rickety bed, watching The Crow or whatever that movies was. I actually remember the exact outfit I wore that day (yeah...I remember weird things...). I wore my "Punky Monkey" shirt, which I happen to have on right now. I remember Kelly commenting that he liked it b/c it was "different".
He picked me up over his shoulder and shouted that he was going to dump me in the "crick" (I believed him). Then later on, SAm and I announced we were going for a walk-Kelly and Pedro practically shot up and invited themselves along (not that we complained...). We all skipped along down to the cave (Kelly tried to push me in a puddle). When we finally got to it, Sam and Pedro chickened out and Pedro said that he'd scream like a little school girl if he saw anything (I would have liked to heart that). Well, the cave ended up going in about two feet, so that kind of ruined out little "adventure".
-The last time Daniel and I got back together we only saw eachother twice. The first nite we saw eachother at Kyle's. Sam and I didn't think Meg was going to show up to give us a ride-so Daniel and Kyle left w/Kyle's grandpa to getus. Right before they showed up, Meg appears. So, I ended up riding w/Daniel and Kyle's g-pa. It was so weird to see him. I remember staring out the window and sensing that that he was watching me. I'll never forget the way his eyes looked-so sad. The way he reached to touch my hair as he told he how it had grown out. Something about that memory...I remember it all so well. I guess it was just how innocent and sad he looked. We ended up getting to Kyle'es before Sam, Meg, and Kyle (they had gone to Walmart). We took a walk around Kyle's yard, he was shakig so bad, telling me how sorry he was. All I wanted to do was hold him and take away all of his pain. Late on, (after they got back and ruined the "moment") we went for another little walk and he gave me a piggy back ride back to the house.
-Sam's b-day party was pretty fun. Kyle, Meg, Sam, Kelly, and I sat in the shop and played cards most of the nite. That was the first time Kelly ever smoked around me. It made me a little made b/c he'd never smoked around me before. After that, we all decided to go to sleep. Kelly and I slept on the little, wonderfully comby, fold out, couch bed thing. I remember waking up at sunrise and watching Kelly sleep. Kyle's grandma ended up waltzing in and clicked on Wheel of Fortune.
-I remember the last time Kyle and I really "talked". I barely remember anything else that nite. We stayed up for hours yacking eachother's ear off. I've always liked talking to Kyle- it never fails to entertain me.
- The first time I ever went over to Daniel's was on Valentine's Day. He ahd sent me a cute little moneky (Mr. D.) w/ cookies and a balloon that said "Kiss me Quick". We had been dating for exactly one wk. He knew how much I loved Chinese and so he ordered that for dinner. We watched that lovely "Resident Evil movie". I don't even remember a single bit of it. Gary and Amanda dropped by for a few min. After they left Daniel talked about how Gary wanted to get Amanda a promise ring for Valentines. I remember how Daniel mentioned how he couldn't wait until the day he got to buy me one. I thought "wowa...wait just a minute...we've been together...a wk?" ...But, he was really sweet that nite.
-I remember walking to his house so many tiems at nite. I showed up all sweaty, stinky, and out of breath. But, it was worth it just to see his face. He snuck over to my house once. I was sitting on my butt in the living room, watching South Park, and munching on Pringles. I suddenly heard this constant tapping-after a few min. I looked out the window and there he was, standing in a big thorn bush. He scared the crap out of me! I ran outside and threw my arms around him, not caring how sweaty he was. He only ended up staying about 5 min. He was scared my dad would see him.
- I remember the first nite Sam and I stayed at Meg's house. It was November 15th of last year. We all sat on the top bunk and drew on her ceiling with glow in the dark gook (it's still there actually). I ended up grabbing one of her notebooks and dubbing it the "overniter, letter write, leave Megan a note or hoopity doo dee notebook thing". Basically, anyone who comes over is supposed to write a bit of a msg. But, I noticed that a few people (not mentioning any names...*cough*) didn't follow the whole "minimum of half a page" rule. *glares at rule breakers*.
- I remember the first real poem I ever wrote. It started the chain of all my poetry. It was b/c of Daniel. He had broken up with me and I just decided to let it all out. I had always kept everything in-but, so much went wrong that year that I couldn't take it. I guess I reached my breaking point. I can thank him for helping me realize that writing is my best outlet. And...that first poem...it was called "I Hate You", but the last line was "I Love You".
-I remember the day I spent w/Kelly, Dustin, and Sammie. Right before I left for Tennessee. The boys came over at 11:30. As soon as I began stuffing my face with a huge chunk of chocolate cake, they pop up and ring the doorbell (Kelly always seemed to have bad timing). There I was, cheeks full of cake (like a creedy chipmunk) and icing all on my teeth and lips...yeah...nice image.
- The tire swing. I used to love that thing! I don't care how many times I fell on my butt, or how many times I had to pull up my pants to prevent myself from mooning innocent bystanders, or how dizzy I got...that thing was fun!
-That one time when we went over to Kyle's and stayed up all nite playing duck hunt! Haha...that's the only thing I remember about that nite.
- The time Sam and I went camping with Autumn, Michael, and Chase. We left around 1:00 that day--HUGE mistake. We were so incredibly bored that we resorted to "cruising" Rogers and skipping merrily around the mall. We got back to the campsite and Kelly, Kyle, Dustin, Dillon, and Jessica showed up (Meg turned up later). We hadn't been able to get a fire started (though pathetic attempts were made...). Well,here the boys come with fire wood and a blow torch...yeah, they had us a fire going pretty fast with their special "equipment". Kelly, Kyle, and I ended up walking to the Fire Tower in the dark. They sang the entire way there and back.
Later on Kelly and I had a huge tickle fight in his tent (I won of course...*cough*...what? I DID!).
-Another time I went camping with Meg, Sam, James and Matt. I wore my awesome, ghetto, camo pants, with all the safety pins in them. I climbed the Fire Tower and I used on my my pins to scratch "I love Kelly" and "Insomniac" on the wall. I just remembered that I wrote that on July 2nd (I carved the date as well).
- There are so many more memories that I could spill onto this paper. But, these that I have described are some of the ones that stick out. They're important to me. It makes me sad knowing that those memories are just that...memories. Never to come alive again. To remain etched permanately in a vast sea of memories. Happier times...sadder times. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I believe I have also done some good. Hopefully, I haven't hurt anyone. I've had my hear broken, but I believe I have yet to break another's. I've fallen in love and I've loved, but I have yet to be loved in return.
- I've made great friends that honestly mean a lot to me. I just hope I mean something to them. I hope I've been there for them as they've been there for me. As for those who I've fallen in love with, I hope that I at least meant something to them...once upon a time.
- I've learned from my past not to give up. What's the point of living in hate and despair? It's sad for someone to choose a like like that. We make our own decisions. We make our own oppurtunities. We choose the people we put into our life...and those that we take out. Yes, we make mistakes, no human is perfect. We need to learn to forgive, or else our hearts won't ever be able to let go. People deserve second chances, but that is a gift that should not be abused. Before we hate someone, we need to realize that we don't hold or deserve the right to judge others. Before we condemn others, shouldn't we remember the cruel things we've done to them in the past?
- AS for now...I am going to move on carrying neither hate nor regret. Everything I've done in my past has led up to this moment...to these words. And right now...I think I'm going to be ok. I'll treasure past tears and laughs, and continue to make more memories (I just got done threatening James and Meg w/ a can o cheese over a cracker). One of these days, when I'm sitting in my room, I'll think "Hey...remember the time I sat on Meg's top bunk and filled ten page, front and back, withy my memories..?" Then I'll dig out my journal and pen...and there we'll go again...
Insomniac
****DELTED SCENESE****
-Kelly's b-day party- the 3 boys (Kelly, Dustin, and Nate) were all huddled around the camp fire. The three of us girls (Meg, Sam, and I) were having a bit of a "chat" in the tent. Well...we got a bit bored, so, Meg starting making..."noises". I've never seen the boys' heads turn that fast. Haha. They raced eachother to the tent and Dustin body dived through the little door. Haha...good times...good times...
- Hehe...when Kyle and Kelly were playing w/fire crackers and bottle rockets-Kelly bent down to do something and Kyle threw a lit firecracker right under his butt. Kelly ende dup chasing Kyle with bottle rockets for that one.
-I remember when Sam,Jake, Meg, and I were hanging out at Meg's; Jake and Sam were on the top bunk "talking". Meg and I went outside and peeked in the window. The first thing I see is Jake bending over to climb down; and it's just his butt framed by the window. NOT what I wanted to see...
-When James and I stayed up all nite playing (and abusing) with Meg's video camera. That whole Monkey/Popsicle thing...I'm scarred.
-You guys remember the monkey and potatoe feast? (I-I-I had a Big Mac earlier..ok?) :)
-When Daniel and Kyle wrestled for about an hour in Kyle's room. Daniel bouncing around like a frog on crack. Both of them beet red and sweating like crazy. That was entertaining.
-When Kyle, Sam, Dillon, Meg, Jessica, Pedro, and I went to Dillon's and they played spin the bottle. They kept trying to get Sam to play, but she wouldn't. The bottle kept landing on her. Later on, Dillon apparently had a bit of gas, b/c he started lighting his farts on fire...*shivers*...ew.
- Ok, I really need to END this thing, it's too long...
Insomniac
- To those who actually read this far...wow...I really admire your patience and your ability to not drool on your computer screen. Either your...extremely bored, or you just forgot to take your pill...
***
"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."
I refuse to let myself sink into depression, as I have done with past heartbreak. I can do better than that. I owe myself more than salty tears and morbid poetry. There is no erasing the memories. There is no forgetting. But, I will not dwell. I need time to heal, but i will not do it by shutting out the world. I will not hide from life.
"Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them."
I will not forget how to smile. I will not forget how to laugh. I am a strong person. I will prove my strength to myself.
"If you're not the one for me, and I still think you're perfect, think of how amazing it will be to find the one who is."
I will not go looking for love. I will leave that up to fate, and fate alone. Like my dad always tells me, there are more out there, don't get hooked on the wrong one. The one who is worth your tears, won't make you cry.
"It's better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one."
*** How do I start this? How does one pour out their heart? I need to leak out my emotions, that's the whole reason I got on here. That's the sole purpose of why I started this thing. Right now I'm sick to my stomach. Kelly broke up with me today. Over the phone. I wasn't expecting it at all..which is one reason it hurt so bad. Here I was, falling more and more in love with him each day, yet he feeling less and less for me in return. He .....said it wasn't me, that it was just him. Great. I hate the fact that I have no control. I can't stop caring, I can't stop the memory reels, I can't stop the tears, I can't stop my hands from shaking as I write this. As soon as I answered the phone, I could tell by his voice that something was wrong. I even asked, which I think surprised him. It was like a slap in the face. As soon as I hung up, I ran all the way to Sammie's. Couldn't talk. Couldn't breath. Now as the shock wears off, the reality of it all settles in. The memories start to flow. And as I look around me for the off button, I realize there is none. The only thing that can stop this pain, is the person that started it. I'm just glad that he was sweet about it. He could have led me on. He could have been a jerk. But he wasn't. And I'm glad for that....
.......You know, I never did have the courage to tell him I loved him.
***It's been a good day so far. :). Sam and Meg are on their way over, and right now I'm talking to Warren on voice conference. Great, now I don't know what to write!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Ok....Warren's making some weird noises....like a cat being sexually abused by a chicken. .....so very very wrong.........ok, i dunno what else to type...so, toooooooooodles to everyone who actually reads this.
*** Right now I'm just getting bugged by Amanda and James. :). ok...I started it.. but, that detail isn't important. Right now I'm just talking to Warren about him coming home for a while. Ok, i'm gonna go fetch me some black berry pie. Life's good, I love my babe, Sam's tall.....er than hobbits, Amanda's just frickin weird, Meg's a ho (hehe), James has sexy hair, and Kyle still smells worse than me. Tah tah tah.
***
Caring: being compassionate, considerate, and unselfish.
-Today hasn't started off to be the best of days, even though it should have been very good. Just a few things here and there, brought my mood down in a spiral.
What do I see when I let my mind roam?
emotions emotions
thumping through my heart
emotions emotions
pumping through my veins
I close my eyes
as my world begins to spin
falling falling
until red is all I see
keep them closed
afraid of my sight
unwilling to stare failure
in the Joker's eye
-been doing a lot of journal writing lately..good or bad? I'm not the one to ask. I just know that when I write, it's because I've ran out of places to store my thoughts...and the trash can is full.
they say that
when you let
your mind wander,
the first thing that
comes to mind
is what you truly love.
***
Fate: the ultimate authority that predetermines the course of events
It's amazing how much effects our lives....people, choices, accidents, mistakes, emotions, words...
Every moment of our life is woven in and out through the threads of chance and fate...everything we do has an affect on our future...and the future of those around us.
Does each and every human have a destiny? Or are we simply gambling with each breath we take. When it is our time to leave this place....is it simply because our number rolled up on the dice?
Is life driven by an unknown phenomenon..are we led unknowingly by a set of events already laid out for us to walk?..are we helpless in the face of Destiny?
..like links on a chain...everything is connected. Every action we take is part of a chain reaction
like dominoes set in a line..one by one. One little tap..and they all fall down...they all fall down.
Life: the course of existence of an individual; the actions and events that occur in living; the period between birth and the present time; the period from the present until death; animation and energy in action or expression.
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