depths of my soul 

My Fire

***

There are some who say love is for fools, if that is true..then I am a complete and utter fool.

Love is the one emotion that I'm sure of. It is my fuel..my fire..my spirit. Love is what I live for..and what I live to feel. A life without love..without laughter...without happiness is empty..pointless. Hate, anger, vengence..they all suffocate, they only drown you. But, love...love give you wings...love...happiness...let you fly, they free you.

Love for others, for things, for myself...it all builds me up. Gives me strength to face each day, even when I'm at my lowest. It gives me a will to live, a purpose.

Caring is not a waste, having a heart does not make you weak. Ignoring love is what burdens you. Filling yourself with hate is a waste. I don't think there is anyone who can honestly say that they do not enjoy happiness. How far will hate and anger take you? How much satisfaction can they offer? Not much..or else those who are angry would not feel the need to continue searching, to ask others for an answer.

I love life...everything about it. There are imperfections, I accept that. I also accept and understand that I will enventually die. But, I know that I will die with a smile on my face... because I live a satisfied life..loving others gives me strength, peace of mind, joy. I live my life in constant search of happiness, not only for myself, but for those around me as well. I pity those who are selfish. I feel remorse for those who do not know the touch of happiness...the warmth of being able to smile.

Life is not a mistake...a pain. I feel compassion for those who have forgotten how to live...who do not appreciate the small things in life...jumping up and down to some dumb rap song, singing your heart out to the radio...even if you are completely out of tune, lying in the grass and just staring at the sky, splashing in puddles, dancing in the rain, starting (and ending) pillow fights, laughing so hard that you almost pee yourself...I'm surrounded by people who fill my life with these little things every minute of my day...and I truly appreciate that. Don't take people for granted....you may never replace them. You may never find someone who loves you that much...you may never find someone with as much patience and stubborness to not give up on you...if someone truly cares, they'll be there to listen, no matter what you have to say. When you feel alone...like noone could possibly care about you...just open you eyes.

How many happy people do you see who are angry and depressed? The feeling of love may not be concrete...it may not be "real"...but, it's that's the case, then it sure is a heavenly lie. You may not be able to grasp it with the physical touch...but that doesn't mean that it's not there. You make you own faith. You decide what is real. You make your own belief, your own destiny, your OWN happiness. No one is going to do it for you...no one has that ability. Feeling sorry for yourself is pointless....I may be a fool...but at least I'm a happy one.

Love forever and always...

Insomniac

Stupid little questionaire thingy majigger..I was bored..so ya

***


*HaVe YoU eVeR*
1. Kissed your cousin: haha....oh..this is a serious question?...no
2. Ran away: no, never really had a reason to .

3. Pictured your crush naked: only naked? oooh ya...among other things

4. Broken someone's heart: no.

5. Been in love: oh ya. best feeling in the world...

6. Cried when someone died: no..never had anyone that close to me die...thankfully

7. Wanted someone: yep

8. Broken a bone: nope
9. Lied: heh......."lie" is such a strong word...i prefer "not explaining the entire truth"

10. Cried in school: i don't think so

*WaTs BeTtEr*

11. Coke or Pepsi: coke definitely, not too sweet...and makes for better burping

12. Sprite or 7UP: hm...i dunno, either

13. Girls or Guys: hm...i WONDER, let me consider...GUYS

14. Flowers or candy: can't I have both? ok ok....fine....um...CANDY, as long as it's chocolate. Flowers are pretty, but come on, they wilt and die, and what have you got to show for it? At least candy can add a few pounds as proof.

15. Tall or Short: as in which do i prefer for the opposite sex? I like them to be a little taller than me.
16. Pants or Shorts: Pants, definitely.


WiTh tHe OpPoSiTe SeX*

17: What do you notice first: Either hair or eyes...but, eyes are what really attract me.

18. Last person you slow danced with: Daniel

19. Worst Question To Ask: wow...so many demented possibilities...


WhAt Is *Ur FaVoRiTe*
20. Your Good Luck Charm: don't have one, i'm not a superstitious person. I make my own luck.

21. Person You Hate Most: No one, I've never hated anyone. But...I'd say my 'dear' mother ranks top.

22. Best Thing That Has Happened to You this year: got back together with the person I love most.

23. Color: BLUE!.....black, green, red.

24. Movie: The Crow...love that movie.

25. Juice: um....white grape

26. Finger: ..............................*cough*.............................um..............depends on the use of the finger......

27. Ice Cream: COFFEE

28. Season: Fall, not too hot, not too cold. And, i like the beauty with which everything dies.

29. Breakfast Food: Blue Berry Waffles!!!

*WhO*
30. Makes you laugh the most: My step brothers.

31. Makes you smile: all of my friends and my dad, but daniel makes me grin and get the butterflies in my stomach (awesome feeling)

32. Can make you feel better no matter what? amanda, sam, meg, and my dad.

33. do you have a crush? no

34: anyone have a crush on you? highly doubt it

35. Who Has it easier: ................huh? ......


Do YoU eVeR*

36. Sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: not in a while, wish I had a reason to though.

37. Save AOL conversations: i used to. actually..i still have a few saved...quite interesting read. (but they're not AOL, msn and yahoo. but, same thing)

38. Save E-mails: only if they're interesting and sentimental to me.

39. Wish you were someone else: no actually..i'm pretty content being myself.
40. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: no...although it'd be a nice little adventure.

BeSt*
41. Cologne: axe

42. Perfume: Haiku, Charlie White

43. Romantic memory: too many to think of....but...hm....the time daniel snuck over, even though he stayed only a few minutes...it was sweet


*HaVe YoU eVeR*

44. Fallen for your best friend?: no...considering they're all GIRLS.

45. Made out with JUST a friend?: no, i'm not like that.

46. Been rejected: no

47. Been in love?: heh....oh yes.
48. Been in lust?: no, not really

49. Used someone?: no, at least I don't think I have.

50. Cheated on someone? Hell no. That's one of the lowest things that I person can do.

51. Been cheated on?: I'm not sure...hopefully not. If i had a boyfriend who cheated on me, I'd be completely heartbroken ...

52. Done something you regret?: of course...hasnt everybody?


*LaSt ThInG*
53. You touched?: my ass....wait..what? no no...the sun chip bag..or the keyboard, if you want to get technical.
54. You talked to?: Sam
55. You hugged?: Daniel

56.You instant messaged?: Daniel

57. You had sex with?: no one.

58. You yelled at?: my sister

59. Person who broke your heart?: Kelly

60. Person who told you they loved you?: My dad

DuNnO*
61. Color your hair? Dark Brown (noooo, not pretty light brown, and not black, just in the frickin middle..grr)

62. Have tattoos? no

63. Have piercings below the waist?only in my ears

64. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? um..................both? that's...kinda.........kinky....or just freaky...boyfriend.

65. Own a webcam? ya..but not sure where it's at...and dont' really wanna know what my dad's used it for...

66. Own a thong? ya..just bought a few the other day, and they're cute! Especially this red and black pair that has this lace up in the....................i'm gonna shut up now..

67. Ever get off the computer? of course........................

68. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: suuuuuuuuuuurrrre...why not?

69. Habla espanol? no, not that smart...

HaVe YoU/dO yOu/ArE yOu*
70. Stolen anything over $50? no, i'm a good little girl

71. Schizophrenic? I used to be....but we're ok now.

72. Obsessive? not really.

73. Compulsive? some things...like sniffing every gummy bear i eat.

74. Anxiety? yep, runs in the family

75. Depressed? that runs in the family also. But, i'm actually not depressed right now. I just got over my depression not too long ago.

76. Suicidal? No, and never have been.

***

Well, that's the end. joy, huh? That was actually somewhat entertaining.

Tah Tah

Insomniac

Stupid Quotes

***

Just some stupid quotes I like.

"To save us both time, lets assume I know everything"
"Dont piss me off, i'm running out of places to hide the bodies"
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
"Ah..... I see the screw-up fairy has paid you a visit"
"I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right"
"Sorry, I guess the angel from my shoulder went on a break and never came back"
"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
"One by one, the yard gnomes steal my sanity"
"Do whatever my rice crispies tell me to do"
"Therapy has taught me that nothing is my fault"
"Damn right i've been naughty, now spank my evil butt!"
"YOU! Off my planet"
"Organized people are just too lazy to look for things"
"I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. "
"I hate everybody, and you're next."
"Please don't make me kill you."
"Being prejudice is wrong...you should hate everyone equally"
"And your point is... "
"I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now."
"I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. "
"All stressed out and no one to choke. "
"I"m one of those bad things that happen to good people"
"Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear. "
"When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout"
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. "
"Only the paranoid survive.... "
"Your village called; their idiot is missing."
"Eat right. Exercise. Die anyway. "
"Don't annoy the crazy person. "
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. "
"Scientists say 1 out of 4 people are crazy. check 3 of your friends, if they're ok, you're it"
"Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. (Homer Simpson)"
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others."
"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. "
"Cover me, I'm changing lanes."
"DO NOT WASH--This vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test."
"God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."
"Keep honking while I reload."
"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people"
"If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you."
"My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot"
"A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries"
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps"
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"
"It's as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you"
"Don't steal, The government hates competition"
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't"
"I brake for no apparent reason."
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control."
" Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. "
"Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy."
"All men are idiots, and I married their King. "
"Rehab is for quitters. "
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative. "
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. "
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. "
"We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Men are proof that women can take a joke. "
"Time is what keeps things from happening all at once."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Jesus is coming, everyone look busy."
"There's too much blood in my alcohol system. "
"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
"Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."
"Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. "
"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
"Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. "
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. "
"Out of my mind...Back in five minutes."
"A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one."
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
"I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?"
"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."
"Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance."

***

Viola. I'm hungry, and tired. So, I'm gonna go bum it.

Cheerio

Insomniac

I know I'll love you forever

***





knowing I could love you forever
as I tickle you playfully
your hands pinned beneath mine
tired and grinning, I steal a kiss
one by one

thinking I could stay forever
as you hold me tight
heart pounding in your chest
running my fingers through your hair
as a trail of butterfly kisses lace your lips

wishing I could watch you forever
as your eyelids flutter shut
I caress your cheek
as your quiet breath grows steady
and as your heart beat lulls me to sleep
I know I'll love you forever

August 4, 2004

I was in a writing mood yesterday...and I still am, so I'll prob. be posting more lovely poetry tomorrow.

Insomniac

*sigh*

***

I got extremely bored, so I decided to come back to this wonderful page and post yet ANOTHER blog. Oh well, at least it'll keep me entertained.

I've been...ok. I'm just sort of in the middle right now--not blindedly happy, yet not too depressed either. I'm just kind of floating. Waiting to go either up or down. I just hope it's not down, I don't need anymore depressing, morbid poetry.

Had a nice chat with Meg yesterday about...well, what we usually chat about: love and life. It's nice having someone to talk to who understands my emotions and reasons for doing things.

I love him so much, something I've known for a very long time. And the fact that I'm doing this again proves that emotion. Unbreakable, unconditional love...I suppose that's what it could be called. He's truly amazing. I love being around him. I crave it. The happiest I've ever been is when I'm in his presence. I could talk to him forever, and not get tired. My worst fear is to lose him forever. I plan on doing whatever I can to stop that fear from becoming a reality. We've had problems..yes, but, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. And it has. I've broken emotional boundaries that I never thought could even be bent. We just have to hold on and make it through the hard part. I'd wait forever for him...he's worth it.

Alrighty then, I have to get my bum off of here before my sister has a heart attack.

Forever and Always

Insomniac

Wouldn't it be nice

***




Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby

***

I love that song. It's been in my head all week so I finally decided to just post it.

Insomniac

Pretty Girl

***





She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

***

Insomniac

Deja Vu

***

love me
hate me
what's your pick?
when i look into your eyes
you smother me in affection
such a perfect love
yet, once I'm gone
ice cold hate
fills your every word
long ago, I gave up
turning my cheek
long ago, I gave up
bowing to my knees
kiss me
slap me
the choice is yours to make
the pain is mine to bear
do I mean a thing?
how much would you give
to keep me?
why can't you at least pretend
to love me?
deja vu
because here you go again
cutting me
cursing me
as if you crave my tears
as if you test my strength
is my pain your love?
you don't want to see me cry
but, if you cut me once more
you'll just have to shut your eyes


Insomniac

I dunno

***



BTW: I just got finished adding more poetry to my site, so if you get bored, have a looksy. (it's my eternal link)

There are so many little things in this world that I love...and that I've fallen in love with...and well, I'm in the mood to tell them...

chocolate!
icecream
tickle fights (especially if I lose...)
kisses
cuddling
midnite walks
the ocean
having my hair played with
poetry
photography
monkeys
merry go rounds
playgrounds
faries
mystical creatures
writing
stupid stickers
art by Amy Brown
hot chocolate
cappuchinos
one of those big pretzels in mustard
having my face caressed
playing with Meg's camera
watching the dumb shit we did with Meg's camera
Daniel's eyes
massages
bubble baths
playing in the rain
being tackled
boxers
storms
lightning
thunder
laughing so hard that it hurts
playing in laundromats
acting like an idiot in Walmart
arcades
spades (best card game in the world)
Hot Topic
my monkey house shoes
my..monkey robe
ok...all of my monkey stuff
toy stores
candy stores
stupid pics
running through the house and seeing how far I can slide in my socks
the feel of sand between my toes
anything blue
that string cheese stuff that comes in a can...hehe
card tricks
running
spearmint
my grandma's food
candy necklaces
gummy bears
hot tea
stolen kisses
the way Daniel curls up into a ball and protects "his" frosted flakes
snowball fights
autumn
days when I can be a complete bum
head massages
playing with bubbles
blue eyes
being loved
stars
milkshakes from Hardees (those things are frickin good)
scrapbooking (even though I lack talent)
mysteries
mythology
homemade icecream
that 'happy bunny' (you know...the one who's really sarcastic)
psychology
safety pins
chokers
hoodies
oriental style
bamboo
chinese characters
the smokey mtns.
seagulls
water guns
marshmellow shooters
grilled cheeses
nachos and cheese
root beer
bittersweet chocolate chips
roasting marshmellows
hiking
playing in piles of leaves
sleeping
music
techo
rock
classic rock
the beach boys
pink floyd
linkin park
sugarcult
the monkeys
steven lynch
blink 182
nickleback
seether
garbage
greenday
the beatles
dragonflies
candles
roses
my black belt (love it)
jeans
flip flops (even though you can hear me a mile off...)
necklaces
rubberbands
the smell of aussie shampoo
creativity
pottery
incense
fountains
Romancing The Stone
chimes
skateboarding
snowboarding
shopping
reading
hobby lobby
Spencers
vampires
kit kats
dark chocolate
chocoalte and almonds
smores
rainbows
Kyle's cat
that shirt Adam has with the midget in the corn field....weird
the popsicle voice James does (frickin hilarious)
the 80's
Jackie Chan movies
Brandon Lee
Bruce Lee
The Crow
comedians
big cities
romance
being appreciated
sweet gestures
notes
being in love

*** *yawn* ya...that just about bored me to tears. *shivers*...now...I must go and entertain myself elsewhere...hehe...*cough*

Insomniac

Life...

***

I decided to explore the meaning of life... I came accross quite a few websites, and this is the information that I found....

"I think there is no meaning to life, it only exists because it can. So, that being the case then, the meaning for your own life is whatever you make it."

"The truth is in the eye of the beholder. We're all entitled to believe what we want. "

"Many people have pondered the meaning of life. The rich and aspiring businessmen think it's the pursuit of money. Others believe it's sex. Many believe it's to reproduce. Some think it's fame. Most philosophers think it's the constant strive for existence. Buddhists are striving for Nirvana. Christians are striving to meet God. Dean's List people are striving for knowledge. But I believe this thought cancels them all out: Life is the imperfect, constant, unending, mad strive for one's own personal opinion of happiness. Yes, folks, happiness. Joy, jolliness, amusement, whatever you call it, it's happiness."

"Reproduction can't be the meaning of life, because some people just don't want to have a kid. Some people don't get any sex, and don't really give a crap. Some people feel that by not making babies, they're helping to slow down the population growth, which makes them feel happy."

"Existence can't be it, because people who have been in pursuit of happiness and have never found an ounce of it, and don't feel they ever will, will kill themselves, therefore ending their existence. A suicidal person (I've been one) feels so bad that if there is happiness in or out of reality, it definitely ain't here, so they kill themselves, hoping to God they'll go somewhere that doesn't suck as much as this place. Take one of those diehard soldiers. They'll go "BRING IT ON, BYOTCH!" knowing they'll die, but at least for the good of whatever they're dying for. That makes them happy."

"Everything anyone strives for -- fame, alcohol, money, a home, warmth, love, sex, a nice pimpin' car, a fast computer, God, Nirvana, a good Kharma, winning the Lottery -- can be converged with happiness. At least, their own vision of happiness. People will follow it so blindly that at times, they will walk all over other people to achieve it. Not yet have I met a human being -- or an animal -- that does not follow this example."

"The meaning of life is different for everyone, whether it is to help others, find the meaning of life, eat the world's biggest hot dog, or simply to exisist. And finding that will make you happy. There is not right or wrong answer, just interpritation of the facts and belief. Everyone has a purpose, it just depends on who they are."

"Think of someone you know that seems pretty happy about life. How would you describe their attitude? Are they kidding themselves? Are they ignoring the ugly truth about life that's right in front of their eyes and pretending that some happy fantasy world that exists only in their heads is real? Well, guess what. That is exactly how every happy person in the world acts. And the really strange thing is that it's OK. Because the reason that you are unhappy is that you have constructed a fantasy world just as complete and just as removed from the "facts" as the Pollyanna imaginings that you so despise in those happy people. "

"You must decide to be happy. Yep. Isn't that aggravating? You can't blame it on anyone else, and no one else can do a thing for you. You've just got to decide to be happy, whether or not your log"ical mind thinks it is rational to be happy and whether or not your moral sense thinks you deserve to be happy. You absolutely will not be happy for any length of time until you decide to, and if you decide to, you can be happy in the face of the most miserable circumstances. "

"Out of all the people we meet in life, these people who are doing their own thing are the people who have the most profoundly positive impact on us and thus make our lives richer in the most fundamental, meaningful way. "


***

Ya, there's some ideas to think about. I do believe that the meaning of life is to be HAPPY. I'm alive, so I'm going to LIVE.

Insomniac